Soledad's Fight for Recovery

I have decided to come back

2010-02-18T06:06:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,

It has been WAY too long. This PhD thing gives me zero time for blogging. I have decided, however, that I NEED to make time for this space....so I am back.

Thing are generally going very well. I am in my last semester of course work, I get to start writing my dissertation in the spring. On the ED front, things are going okay. I made a decision to go back to therapy. I am seeing a psychoanalyst and I LOVE IT!! Where has this therapy been all my life. The options are so much greater now that I am living in a big city. My therapist, L, looks like a mystic. Very small, mid-50s, lots of wild gray hair and chunky jewellery. I think we are going to be able to have a good relationship.

She is very into breathing and letting whatever I am feeling float to the surface. Turns out I have all kinds of stuff going on underneath my surface. Stuff about my parents expecting me to be perfect, my need to have everyone like me, and my anxiety issues all come out in the first meeting. I am not sure how this will help with the bulimia as we don't actually talk about the bulimia very much, but if she can get me to breath and relax then maybe this will work. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Not much else going on here, I am on break this week so have had the chance to read from home and do a little writing. Thinking of you all.

ECG Results

2009-03-28T05:07:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone- quick update. I got my ECG back and it was fine. I have something called a partial/imcomplete right br@nch bund1e bl0ck which my Dr. says in my case is totally benign and unrelated to my Bulimia. She even said that this often shows up in error on ECGs due to the palcement of the little sticky things- THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update

2009-03-12T18:27:00.001-07:00

So there is good news- all my blood levels are normal expect my ridiculously low iron-which is easy to fix. I am taking supplements and changing up my diet. No word back yet on the ECG-which means one of two things it is fine or it isn't back yet. Either way I am going back to see the Dr. in two weeks. I am VERY proud of myself for doing this scary ass thing. I am happy my K levels are good.

What a Gong Show

2009-03-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

So...I went to the Dr. and she sent me for an EKG (ECG) and some blood work. She didn't seem too worked up about it as she pointed out that if I was having heart problems (serious ones) I would be passing out-which I never have. She told me I was doing everything right and to hang in there. HOWEVER....the EKG/blood work was a totally traumatic, albeit slightly funny, experience. In Toronto when you are perscribed a test you take a form to one of the many many many labs around here and they adminster it on the spot. So I leave the university, get on the bus and go to this lab in this industrialized area of town. I walk in, hand the woman my sheet and she ushers me into her backroom. She draws my blood - no biggies- barking orders at me. I feel the need to point out at this juncture that our first languages were not the same and therefore there was SERIOUS communication issues. More importantly she was SUPER SUPER RUDE. She takes me into the EKG room and makes me take off my bra and shirt. She starts sticking all of those round things...I assume they are transmitters- all over my body and by this point I am having a full on anxiety attack. My heart is pounding and she is screaming at me to relax. Helpful no? I try to tell her that I really need a minute to collect myself and she screams at me NOT TO TALK and to RELAX. Needless to say it didn't go well. My BPM was 115 and it is usually about 65. I hope I don't have to go back...........I can't do that again. It was sooooo fucking scary. I hope they can take that into account when they read it. I hope my Dr. just says- YOU ARE FINE!!!!! Regardless I am VERY proud of myself for going and taking care of this. I had these tests on Thursday and have heard nothing----this is a good sign and I will go back in 2 weeks to see her again. Wish me luck

Dispatches from the Dr. Office

2009-03-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am currently at the clinic at my university. I have signed back up for counseling here- my first appt. is on Wednesday AND I am seriously considering going back on the SSRIs. My anxiety is through the roof- My heart is palpitating and racing. I am having crazy dreams and generally freaking out. I am not enjoying life right now and I really NEED a clean bill of health. So I guess I am trying to get my shit together AGAIN! And the only way to do that is to do what terrifies me most- talk to a Dr. about my condition. What if he makes me go for an EKG? I HATE these. I have only ever had one and they scare the CRAP out of me. My heart races and races and I obsess about the results. I convince myself I am dying.... I am still not purging which is awesome. But now my anxiety it out of control. I am crying all the time. I am somehow getting work done- no idea how???? Need support! And some reassurance.

1.5 days down- WARNING FOOD NUMBERS

2009-03-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

HELLLOOOOO everyone. I am 1.5 days into my how long can I go without purging adventure. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO PURGE RIGHT NOW SO I AM HANGING OUT IN MY FRIEND'S OFFICE INSTEAD- He is also MIA. I know why I want to purge. I am working on a very hard paper and it isn't coming very well which makes me feel worthless which translates into fat. So far I have had: Yesterday: apple, banana, salad (veg), brown rice, steamed veggies, an egg, 1 piece of rye toast, 2 rice cakes, two squares of dark chocolate, natural juice, water and coffee (1 cup). Exercise: 50 mins elliptical moderate effort plus 15mins weight lifting Today: apple, bananas, salad (veg), brown rice, 1 rye toast w/ natural PB (1tbsp) grapes (1 cup) strawberries, water and coffee ( a lot I am writing a paper but I am matching cup of coffee with cup of water). Exercise: None- writing a paper plus I worked out yesterday and purging thru exercise is still purging. For those of you who know a lot about nutrition am I missing anything major. I plan on having some chicken with my veggies tonight.

Hell

2009-03-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

I am back in hell- FF's post really stuck with me. I am NOT purging everyday but I am purging and my heart is skipping beats again.......I guess I will start again tomorrow. I thought I had this motherfucking thing beat. I have 90 days till my wedding- can I at least put together a month purge free before I get married. This is my goal. I am going to be talking about food A LOT here in the next little while and exercise. So if that is triggering for you then please don't read. Right now I am so hungry and empty and I LOVE that feeling. LOVE IT! WTF??????I need to let go of loving this feeling...........Need to learn not to love it. How can I stop loving it? How can I start loving me?

So pissed off I had to blog

2008-12-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone I had to blog. I know I have been totally AWOL but this PhD has been so busy and now I am on strike. All the contract faculty, TAs (me), GAs and RAs are on strike. We are picketing and have been since Nov 6th. It has completely taken over my life. We are fighting for poverty-line wages, consideration for tenure track for contract faculty and many many other things that I will get into later.It is a great movement but so time consuming and stressful. I thought I had the MIA beat down but the lack of routine due to the strike has made it flare up a little. Not too bad but still....Blah Ok the reason I am so pissed off is because I was reading Lara's blog at cwazylawa.blogspot.com and she is pro prop 8. This made me really upset. I asked her to take it down, but she won't and she asked me to respect her beliefs and I can't and I need to vent about this so you are all going to have to sit here and listen to what I have to say. This was our original conversation:

Me: (it got posted as my old blog name Esperanza)

Wait a sec. You are FOR Prop 8? As in you do not support same sex marriage? What if you son is gay or transsexual? Will you disown him? Tell him "sorry you can't marry the person you love because there is this pesky definition of marriage that excludes you. Oh and Mommy voted in favor of your exclusion." What about your gay and/or lesbian friends? I know this will never happen but I would really like to see you remove the hate speech from your blog.

1:11 PM

Lara said...

Esperanza, I in no way have displayed a message of hate. If you think a link to some answers about my beliefs is a message of hate, then you are sorely mistaken. Read up on them if you are confused. I have never hated homosexuals. Rather I do not believe in the practice of homosexuality or the teaching of homosexuality in schools. I am a firm believer in the divine institution of marriage between a man and a woman. I have the right to my beliefs as well as the right to vote, as do you. I would never disown my son. NEVER. And I am confused as how you would come to that conclusion. I have never attacked a homosexual, and I never will. I have my beliefs, you have yours. And that does not mean I disrespect you, and in NO WAY does it mean I hate you. Please respect my beliefs and my right to stand up for them- especially on my own blog. I will respect yours. Now if you have something to say about those cute coats linked above, I would love to hear it. :) Have a good weekend

I am formulating my response here because she now has comment moderators on her blog: Lara, I don't even know where to start. First let's be clear about what hate speech is. Hate speech: a term for speech intended to degrade, intimidate, or incite violence or prejudicial action against a person or group of people based on their race, gender, age, ethnicity, nationality, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, language ability, ideology, social class, occupation, appearance (height, weight, hair color, etc.), mental capacity, and any other distinction that might be considered by some as a liability. I guess it is kinda funny you assume that I am a lesbian because I stand up for same-sex rights. Second, why do you think homosexuality is wrong? And why do you believe that marriage is "the divine institution...between a man and a woman"? I clicked on that link on your blog and read some of the articles. They were appalling. and yes this is hate speech. Hate speech under the guise of free speech. You say you have a right to your beliefs, but you are reifying the concept of beliefs. No one has a RIGHT to their beliefs, you do however have a right to state them. Beliefs happen regardless of "rights". Beliefs are our reactions to our environment, not something that can be controlled by rights-based law. A law could be passed stating "No one has a right to their own beliefs" and beliefs would still occur. What you mean is that you have a right to freely state you opinions on your blog, in the street and to your friends etc. And you do. But at least be honest....your beliefs are homophobic. Homophobia creates a society where homosexuals are treated as sub-human. And while you might have a right to spout homophobic tripe all over the web that doesn't mean I have to put up with it and respect it. RESPECT you? Are you fucking kidding me? The link is called "Protect Children and Freedoms". PROTECT CHILDREN? The implication is that homosexual and transsexual people are going to HURT children. How is this not hateful???? I bet you are against same-sex adoption too aren't you? You say you do not HATE anyone. I get it. Jesus wouldn't want you to hate so you tolerate homosexuality so long as no one teaches it to your kid or dilutes your understanding of marriage. You are a good, responsible little Christian soldier absolving yourself of guilt by tolerating people in same-sex relationships and not "hating them" because they need Jesus' love too right? Especially because they need that love to overcome their homosexual lust. Am I close? I bet I am. What garbage. People in same-sex relationships are to be celebrated not tolerated by individuals, such as yourself, who solidify their identity and power by perpetuating the subjugation of homosexuals. You are actively, whether you want to admit it to yourself of not, maintaining the value laden straight/queer dichotomy. You, by saying that Queer peoples cannot get married, cannot enjoy equal state protection, are implying that Queer peoples are unequal to straight peoples. That it is okay to exclude homosexuals from certain state institutions that we as a society have created because they are not quite worthy, i.e. you are better than them. You can deny it all you want to and say you just don't agree and that it is your opinion. But your opinion is hurting people. It is contributing to a segregated society, a society that celebrates only one kind of sexual love and pathologizes all others. That is shameful. Also you don't want homosexuality taught in school. This perpetuates the pathologization of homosexuality. If children are taught about relationships from a hetero-centric position then those children who are gay/lesbian/trans or gender variant are then made to feel "abnormal". But that is the point right? Make it as hard as possible for homosexual peoples to live a fulfilling life. I assume that since you don't want homosexuality taught in school this means no sex ed about homosexual sex right? This lack of sexual education denies teenagers in same-sex relationships the life-saving information and the tools ,which sex-ed provides, to protect themselves against life threatening STIs like HIV. Or do you think that this should be taught at home? Or maybe in separate classes? Put all the straight teens in one room and all the gay teens in another room. I mean segregation seems to be your thing. I can't believe that someone would think freedom of speech is an excuse to spread propaganda that contributes to the continued oppression of same-sex couples. Aren't you embarrassed? SHAME!

Long Distance

2008-09-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am officially in a long distance relationship......UGH! Also school has started. So so so much going on, the good news is I haven't purged. Bad news is I feel like my right leg ( or my heart I guess) is with Greg, far far away. I have so much to write but I am so tired and a friend is coming over with beer now.....so I am just.....hanging out with all the events of the last few days floating around inside me. I thought my heart would be broken when Greg left, but we have done this twice before so I def. feel more secure in our relationship....less anxious/panicked. I feel, instead, like my heart is in hibernation and needs to be coaxed out and reminded that even though Greg is far away there are friends to make and things to learn and experiences to soak up. It takes a lot of energy though....more to write about all this. But thanks for being there everyone. I know I haven't been posting much but I am reading all your blogs and it is nice to know you are all out there.

Roommates and Visiting My Parents

2008-08-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

So after 11000000 hours on the train we are HOME in my province. We will stay are for 4 days and then head to PEI to visit w/ Greg's fam. I fly outta PEI back to Toronto. Seeing my parents is great, but I am thinner than I was when I left for Toronto in May and I can tell that pleases them....ugh. Ate supper though with no issues. GO ME! While I am home I plan on shopping, sleeping, reading and sleeping. I am dealing with some stress right now so please help me relax Stressful things: My half bro is not doing so well right now. He has mental health issues and is in the hospital. I tried to talk to my dad about it but he really doesn't want my help. I think he wants me to be a distraction not someone who he lays his burden on, but I have lots of experience working with individuals with mental health issues. I don't need to be protected from it I see it all the time. UGH. Don't know what to do here but listen to Dad when he talks. My new roommate has emailed 3 times and called like 4 times. The last time she sent me this VERY bitchy email about how dirty I left the apt and how disappointed she was. Here is the thing...I felt it was clean. I def. put a lot of effort into cleaning it. Her comments made me feel like I had somehow done something incredibly wrong like forgetting to clean or not knowing what clean really is. Then she emailed me back to say the buzzer was not set up for her number, which is something I told her TWO days ago would not be set up until Sept. 1st when her lease actually starts. I left her number with the landlord (who SUCKS) and asked him to put it in, turns out it was the wrong number I left him. Now I have to get a hold of him to let him know and I feel like a bad roommate/landlord. I feel worthless and angry and like it is my fault. But she is being totally unreasonable. She has been there for 1 day how can she expect everything to be good to go already? FUCK. I hope this isn't how it is going to be. I totally cried in front of Greg and my parents. I SUCK!!!!!! Why do I feel so bad about someone else's reactions? Why does it make me feel so awful? Why do I always envision the absolute worst thing happening, like me coming home and finding all my stuff wrecked or me getting evicted because of her, or me losing her as a roommate and having to find a new one. WHY WHY WHY do I have this anxiety. I HATE IT! HATE IT! Why can't I be normal and just respond with a regular amount of concern instead of automatically assuming the worst will happen, FUCK having major anxiety issues. FUCK~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cottage

2008-08-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

We are at a friend's cottage this weekend and is it EVER relaxing. We went tubing and boating and swimming and I went for a nice run. I am having some bathsuit issues...the whole BIKINI thing is a little daunting, but I wore one and tried to be all to HELL with the world. I am doing my best to be food careful as we are in tight quarters here and NO ONE needs ot hear that. To this end , however, I am not eating very much.

Went for a lovely run today. Definatly back into a good training routine.....problem is I am def. over excercing...but I think it is a product of Greg moving home, me starting school and us being all long distance and having to spend the next week with parents. AH!

I have a roommate for the fall, she moves in today. Let's call her L. L is a woman from Peru doing her master's here. It should be ok, but I am worried about having someone new in my house plus I am not there for when she moves in PLUS I now have the smaller bedroom......all a little stressful.

On a good note I start school on the 3rd and I am meeting up with my "buddy". All new PhDs have been assigned buddies- PhD students in their 4th and 5th years. I am meeting mine for lunch, it should be reasonably painless. I hope I make friends at school. One of my goals is to be more open with people....less guarded......We shall see how this goes.

Here are some pics for y'all.

Drama

2008-08-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

So my eating has been shockingly good, but my life has been very stressful. We had friends here this w/e, one of whom stayed at our house and I gotta say was probably the easiest house guest I have ever had. ANYWAYS....a few stressful things have happened. One Thursday I was helping out a client and I cut my finger on his razor. I cut deep enough to bleed but definately shaved some skin off. I work in mental health housing so there are higher risk people in terms of auto-immune diseases. I washed my finger and asked the house owner if anyone had H1V or H3P C. She said no, but I was still worried so I called my aunt who is a nurse and cried. I then waent and saw the nurse at work who told me not to worry about it cause it wasn't blood on blood. I saw the DR. too who said the same thing. He said my risk was 0.5% but I was totally freaked out and now I am experiencing some serious germ anxiety. For example, my sunglasses fell in the toilet at work and I flushed then felt stupid leaving them there so I fished em out, disinfected them and STILL had to throw them away. I was CONVINCED I had Hep C. God.....I feel this is all tied to when I had ecoli as a kid and once I got out of the hospital I refused to eat anything that was prepared a certain way. I was CONVINCED I would get sick through contamination. A lot of root issues are surfacing for me. UGH Anyways that was no fun and to top it off a friend of mine is in a super manipulative SUPER absuive relationship with this guy J, who is an aquitance and who lives here in Toronto. Their relationship is SUPER volitile. For example he dumped her and she was wrecked, he called her and they kept sleeping together, they would get back together, he would dump her on and on and on. So H planned on visiting and my friend B and I planned on taking her to this bar where we ALWAYS get hit on and get free drinks. What better wat to feel good about yourself post dumping.... I mentioned this plan to B in from of J and apparently he was like "What the Fuck is Soledad doing"? I was like douche bag!!! you aren't together. Anyways he called H and said" Sole is trying to get you all slutted out, what the hell?" Fucking hypcritical since he went to a strip club like 3 days before, which is exactly what I said to H. Problemo- she didn't know about the strip club and got super mad at him and refused to hang out with him. In relatiation he took a woman she HATES who tried to sleep with J while he was dating H out to dinner. DRAMA I was in a relationship almost identical to this so hearing this BS is very upsetting. UGH

Gonna be alone

2008-08-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

It is drawing closer and closer to the time when Greg and I will have to be apart and I am starting to freak out. He doesn't want to talk about it cause it is sad and that bothers him, which I get but I WANT THIS TO BE OVER SO BAD. I HATE HATE HATE long-distance, I hate not sleeping with Greg. I hate not being able to be close to him. I am not worried we are going to suffer from the LD, I just FLAT OUT do not want to do it. I am going to have to go from living with Greg and our friend J to living with a stranger, starting school with strange people and having to make new friends. I am REALLY worried my bulimia is going to get really really bad. Thia anxiety of course does very little to HELP my eating patterns. Things have been going so well...............AH! I am not going to make any friends and I am going to be horrifically lonely. Oh how I am dreading that feeling. Too many changes too fast.

Day Four Still Going Strong

2008-08-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hey all. It is day four and so far so good. I have switched to an organic diet to try and make the transition a little smoother. No ununatural sugars, not meat not too much dairy. NOTHING proccessed. It has kinda sucked in terms of what I LIKE but good in terms of my bulimia. WARNING I AM DISCUSSING SPECIFIC FOODS. For Breakfast I had yogurt and high fiber cereal and coffee. Snack was a banana Lunch was Miso Soup w/ Tofu and a salad (no dressing sigh- but lime juice) For a snack I had gluten, dairy and sugar free bread and for supper I plan on having a stir fry using zuchini, brown rice, brocolli, tomato and a FEW hot peppers. For taste I will add olive oil and paprika. I have been drinking water and peppermint tea ALL Day. Peppermint tea has been just great for my stomach. For snacks I am thinking a few ricecakes and honey w/ maybe some peanut butter. Any suggestions of thoughts?

another success- warning could be triggering

2008-08-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hey all! Day 3 and still no purge. Binged today though. Had a whoopie pie, some chips and dip (not many) and juice. Felt so sick and full. Still feel sick and full but it is passing slowly. Wanted to purge. Seriously thought about it decided not to at least for now...saw some pics of bulimic deaths online, figured purging would only put me closer to that, managed to avoid it. Feel so fucking sick and stuffed. WANT TO VOMIT! Will NOT Vomit. So so so much nausea. This morning I had so much stomach pain and had to keep running to the bathroom. Still no purging though! Day three. GO ME!!!!

Success

2008-08-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a success! No purging and I actually ate stuff other than salad. GO ME! Went to Seph0ra yesterday and bought myself some new makeup. It was $$ but hey! I didn't purge I deserve it. I didn't wear any make up yesterday which for me is a big accomplishment. I ALWAYS wear foundation no matter what. It is a barrier I put up b/w me and the world. I HATE my skin (although I know it is NOT bad at all and would be a lot better if I was not bulimic) and foundation is such a protective layer for me. BUT yesterday I went out for brunch and I went shopping and I didn't purge and I STILL wore no make up!!! All day yesterday Greg and I lounged around the apt. reading, watching season 9 of D@llas (yes it came out) and talking. It was lovely. We went for brunch at 3:00PM!!!!! Hahahaha....our roommate is out of town and it is a long weekend. Today we are going to do much the same. But we are meeting some friends for beers at 8:00pm and then I have been invited out with some other friends to go barring. I don't know if I going or not......I have been struggling with not making new friends and these women are not people I know REALLY well so I think I should go and I have already turned then down once, but then on the other hand.....it is my weekend of relaxation. GAH! I find these situations to be VERY stressfull. What do I do? HELP!!!!!!!!!! I have also decided to start a lighter running program. I was trying to do a really intense one and my body was so tired cause I am biking to to work right now that I am not enjoying running or not going. I have started a light program that is EASY for me to commit to. Or as my MA thesis adviser always said DO the DOABLE. Can't believe I start school in like 1 month! 1 month from today! AH!

Challenge

2008-08-02T09:21:00.001-07:00

So I need to make sure I am as healthy as possible for school. Right now I am purging about 1X a day or 1X every other day. I am planning on NOT purging until I start school. I know I will prolly slip up but I feel I am becoming complacent in my recovery and I need to do something to boost my efforts. I also know that if I don't try a little harder then purging will def. become part of my PhD hence the challenge I am initiating. I signed up for my courses on Thursday night. It was a little stressful cause York has 50,000 students and while not all are taking the courses I want I was still stressed. I felt inadequate with the computer system and anxious about navigating a new registration and course selection process. It was as if I felt that making a mistake and not getting the courses I want indicated that I was less intelligent and less worthy than all the other students. Major Major Major anixety about not being as good as everyone else. GAH! On another note does anyone else get more b/py when they drink alcohol? I am thinking maybe I should give it up for a bit.

Hello All, It is my B-day!

2008-07-21T13:15:00.001-07:00

Today is my b-day! I am 25!!! 25!!!!!!!!! holy shit. Good news is no purging on my b-day.....at least not yet and I have had a cupcake. Bad news is I have been bulimic for like 100 years. one day at a time I guess. The reason I need a roomie is not cause something happened with Greg, but because Greg (and our current roommate) has to go back to school in the fall for 8 months and we want to keep our sweet 2 bedroom apt, but it is too expensive for just me. Work is going well. I still really like it, things with Greg have improved. I was on a roller coaster from May-July really. Movie, finding work, getting rejected from PhD, getting accepted to PhD, finding a roommate and dealing with the fact that Greg and I are going to be doing long distance and this ALL happened in like 6 weeks. STRESS!!!! It totally took a toll on our relationship. I feel really guilty for having put him through that though and I am totally not past that guilt yet. I feel like a damaged us, but he said he is not mad at me nor is he going anywhere so I guess I should just chill out. It is my anxiety that bothers him the most......fuck! I am so anxious. any suggestions?????

Hello All!

2008-07-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am about to go meet with the grad director I am actually AT Y0rk right now!!!!!!! Shockingly no purging. So nervous will write more later. I hope I dont say anything stupid!!! Should I buy a york travel mug or will that make me look like an overexcited first year? Thoughts

Roommate

2008-07-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of looking for a roommate for the school year and I am worried I am never going to get one. I advertised on Cr@igs L1st and some other places and I have showed it a few times. I had an offer from a couple (but we decided that one woman was better), and a women I know but she has a lot of mental health issues so.......I have showed it to two really nice women, but no one wants to live with me I don't think......I suck ass. BOOOOOOOO! I am a little stressed about all this cause I need to find one before the end of August. Ah Also Greg's parent have been here since Friday and are leaving shortly. Greg's step mom loves Toronto, his dad clearly hates it......a little stressful.....but I took L (greg's stepmom) to a show and Greg and his dad went to ball game. Yesterday we did the CN tower, shopping etc and out for dinner,.....lots of good visit stuff but I am tired, tired, tired........today I made b-fast for everyone and we went out to York, but also I was on call with the rape cr1s1s centre, I got a call....so it was a lot of work......and back at it on Monday. I LOVE my job though. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! i am working with adults with mental health issues......61% schizophrenics. Instense work. Great co-workers. Great great work. I love it. I will be so sad to leave. My eating is middle of the road. about 2 times a day purging.......not my best, not my work....minimal binging...2wice a week binging. I am getting better. I would like it to be faster. Greg and I are not getting alone super super well....more on this later

Happy Monday!

2008-07-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hey All, So it was all in all a reasonably good weekend. I defiantly had some eating issues on Sunday, due to a particularily bingey Saturday, but things seemed to have evened themselves out today. I think I need to try a little harder and I feel lazy in my recovery. I feel posting more might help me out a little. I already know why I had a such a bingey Saturday....I feel one of my closest friends drifting away (Note I am not blaming this friend for my bingeyness). Our lives are going in totally different directions, or so it seems. This really hurts. She is with this man that she is WAY too good for but really seems to care about so what the hell can I say? I guess I am in part to blame for all of this...I mean I recognize I am resentful...not of her relationship, but of the fact that I feel she doesn't have any time for me. We used to be so close. I guess all of this is normal, but it sucks and I feel like a bad friend. FUCK. Also I am terrified that I am not going to make any new friends. I am not great with people. Too outspoken, too quick to jump. I am scared Greg will go home and I will have no friends. I know I hold people at arms length, including all of you in the blog community......I am working on this I really am. But this is making my relationship with food really complicated. So that is what is going on with me. I have eaten really well today though and been to the gym and biked to work. Now I am at work, looking out the window. I like this new job a lot.

update

2008-06-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

So it has been a long friggin time since I have posted. I checked on all y’all quite often, but I haven’t had it in me to post. Things in Toronto have been going really well. I am volunteering at the R@pe Crisis C3ntre here and I started a new job two weeks ago. I am working as a Tenant Outreach and Support Worker for a community centre here for adults with mental health issues and/or intellectual disabilities. The work is challenging, the money is good and they are keeping me up until school starts with the option of staying on part time in the fall. To be honest I would like to stay on part time but I think it will be too much. I need to $$ though. This city is freakin expensive and I haven’t gotten a pay cheque since May. But there is one coming soon thank GOD! Eating wise things have been so-so. I lost a bit of weight when I got here and I have put some, but not all back on. I HATE that, but I know I need to be kinder to myself as I am dealing with a lot of life changes. I am biking to work and gyming like 4 times a week which is good. I just need to keep it up. On a wonderful note Greg got hired back for his articles for next year! This is really really good news for us as it means he will be back as soon as we get married! And he doesn’t have to try to find a new job. YEAH! Also he came in the top ten of his class this year (for the second year in a row). I am very proud! Greg’s parents are coming to visit in like 2 weeks. Should be good/interesting. More on this later. So much to say, but too much to say you know? Happy Canada Day tomorrow y’all!

Everything She Wants

2008-06-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have everything I want and yet I am still bulimic. Why? Is it out of habit? SOme I think. Is it out of being terrified of losing all this.....mostly. I feel like bulimia is making one final last ditch effort to hold onto me. She can see I am leaving her behind and is dragging her heels, gnashing her teeth and sinking her nails in so as not to be left behind. And for the last week or so she has been successful. My parents visited me back to back which was sooooooooooooooo stressful. They really really really stress me out. I did, however, get a full time summer job that I start tomorrow. I will be working for a rent geared to income community, doing research about hygene and landlord/tenant relationships. I am pretty excited honestly. I need the $$ since I am going back to school in the fall. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Here are some pics of me at the University. My mom and I went to check it out! This whole PhD thing has got my head spinning. I want to do it, I am excited to do it, but I am scared I will suck at it , get kicked out and have to work at McDonalds in New Brunswick for the rest of my life (ok not really but you get my drift). I have been so distant from the blog community because I do not want to be held accountable for my actions of late. LAME I know. On another note I GOT a wedding dress. If you wanna see a pic email me.

Hello

2008-06-07T03:18:00.000-07:00

So that is some crazy news about the PhD. I got in even after they told me I wouldn't. Literally, I got rejected and then accepted like a week later. I actually called the school to make sure it wasn't some crazy spam or horrible joke. But nope, it is true and I couldn't be happier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Full fundung and everything. I was literally running around my apt. screaming. Ha!

HOLY SHIT!!!!

2008-06-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

I GOT INTO A PHD PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job interview

2008-06-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have a job interview today at 2:30. It is to be a tenant support worker with a non-profit geared to income community in the city. I WANT IT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad. I NEED this job. I have been working so hard at finding a job, maybe this is the break I need. MAYBE......wish me luck. I had to read some ten@nt act stuff to prepare and it made me feel sooooooooo stupid. Like mega special stupid. INADEQUATE. Called Greg for help, freaked out and cried. I don't think he gets why it makes me feel so stupid, but there is NOTHING worse than doubting your own ability to process information is there? NOPE NOTHING WORSE. and that doubt is SUCH a self fulfilling prophecy. Cause you stress, you fuck with your cognitive skills though stress.....blah! Why am I so dumb? On another note my dad is coming to visit me today. WOOT.

Hey Everyone

2008-05-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

So things that are going badly here. I still don't have a full time job and I apply for at least one every day. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I SUCK. I guess things have just gone so well for me in the past I expected the same here. I am a moron. I am quiting my waitressing job, so I can do more supply teaching. I have some contacts and I am working hard to network. I am going to an AGM tonight for a women's group and I am doing volunteer work and I know I know I know it takes time, but it is sooooo hard. I mean I got an A+ on my MA thesis, I didn't get into a pHD programme and I can't get a job, what the hell is wrong with me? Have people been lying to me my whole life about being capable? Do I think too much of myself and I am just getting what I deserve? WHAT?????? I literally do this each day, get up, apply for a couple of jobs, cry, go to the gym, clean my house, go to work. Sometimes I b/p mostly I cry. I think I might go wedding dress shopping today for fun, or maybe tomorrow. Why why why why why.................... Serisouly this morning I woke up and Greg was leaving for work and I KNEW I had nothing to do till 6pm and that I had to apply for jobs and UGH. I was depressed. I keep venting. I am sorry. I need to get this out of me.

Hello!!!

2008-05-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Just got back from the wedding. Here are some pics for your pleasure. More on the wedding and eating (ugh) later:)

So I am alive I swear

2008-05-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

Hello All, I have never been so absent from the blog community. It is a really weird feeling. Things have been sooooo busy here. I am still working at the restaurant, but I am not thrilled about it. I am actively looking for other work and I have met some people who are giving me a leg up. I find this town is very who you know not what you know......you know? Hopefully something will surface soon. I get treated like shit by a lot of the customers. Some people just think they are entitled. UGH! My bulimia is in check, although not perfect. I have been running around like an idiot so I have lost weight sans purging, but I am still purging some. I keep forgetting to take my SSRI because my schedule is so inconsistent, but I am making it to the gym. Also I heard back from the Uni. where I got waitlisted and was officially rejected. OUCH. But I was kinda expecting it. Greg is doing very well at work.(shock!...NOT) and we are going home this w/e for his little bro's wedding. It is going to ROCK! I am so excited for lobster I cannot even function. Tonight Greg and our roomie are out so I have the WHOLE place to myself, also I have the WHOLE day off and as such intend on doing the following. apply for a couple jobs gym shopping read new book take out sushi watch trashy TV I could not be more excited!!!!!!! Time for MEEEE!!!! I am off to visit all your blogs now:) Peace

Things

2008-05-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

So things are very up and down right now. I am working at the restaurant still as well as doing some ESL supply work which I am pretty sure will lead to permanant work. But I am crying a lot. Crying cause I don't really want to work in a restaurant and because Greg works all day and I work at night. It totally sucks. I miss him and it makes me worry about next year. I don't really want to be apart, I get sad when we are apart and I feel like a wimp. I feel like I should be able to be apart, but I get sad and insecure and I HATE HATE HATE that feeling. GAH. Why would I subject myself to that? I CAN go home for the year, but......fuck I don't know. On another note I am very upset about a friend of mine. We are both very busy and I feel that she isn't being as supportive of me as she could be. I am stressed and upset and freaked out about work (or the lack of it) and I feel like I annoy her........gah! I always drop things to talk to her and make allowances for her, but I do not feel she does the same for me. FUCK I am going to the gym

Alive

2008-05-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

I am such a crappy blogger, but I am so goddammed busy. Toronto is keeping me on my toes. SO many things have happened I don't know where to start. I have a job waiting tables right now in an Italian restaurant. It is pretty cool. Not what I want to do career wise, but fine for now you know? Good tips. It also looks like I am going to be doing some contract work with a couple non-profits here. Some policy writing, some research analysis. All in my field. Looking for work SUCKS. I would love to get something full time. Not having a permanent full time job makes me feel bad about myself, especially cause I live with two lawyers. Makes me feel dumb and worthless sometimes.

Hello

2008-05-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I am alive, overwhelmed and HAPPY! Toronto is intense. I love it. Things are pretty up and down right now as I am job hunting, but I have two interviews tomorrow and one on Thursday. One with a non-profit, one with a marketing company and one in a restaurant. Hopefully something will surface. I am keeping on applying left right and centre. I am very stressed about getting a job. I often feel like I am going to have to work at Tim Horton's for the rest of my life with my MA. Thank heavens Greg is working. He is doing so well at his firm. I am so proud!!!!!! My problem with all this is that I am essentially a bum. I spent all day yesterday applying for jobs. Today I just applied for one and spent the rest of the day organizing our apt. I feel very........dependant on Greg. It is TRES weird for me. It looks good I think! I put a huge map of Toronto on the wall so I could figure out where the hell I am going. I have gotten lost at least once a day. LOVE IT!!!! i love this city. Last night Greg and I went to a Jay's game. It was sooooooooooooo awesome. I have been running and biking and I LOVE LOVE LOVE our neighbourhood. It is all old houses and it is GORGEOUS. We are close to Casa Loma!!!!!!!! Tomorrow our roommate J comes. He is Greg's buddy from law school. A real sweetheart. It should be good. Here is the thing I am definatly losing weight here. I walk walk walk and I am soooooooooo busy I never purge. Hope this keeps up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here

2008-05-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

WE MADE IT. I AM EXHAUSTED. I WILL WRITE LATER

Tomorrow

2008-04-29T02:45:00.000-07:00

I leave for Toronto tomorrow. I can't believe it!! I am terrified, what if I don't get a job???? AHHHHHHH!!! I finished my contract here on Thursday. I am sad to leave that place, I learned a great deal about myself there I think. Anyways, we are all packed and we have been to the dump to rid ourselves of a few things. God I hate the dump. It stinks and it reminds me off all that we discard. Also I am feeling guilty about leaving cause my mother is here and while her sister and mother are in town my dad is away and she is rattling around that big ole house alone until June. Greg does not understand the mother/daughter guilt phenomenon! I am sure at least some of you do. I finished with my T on Friday and she is convinced I will do great. I am convinced that I did not earn my discharge from therapy. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am holding it together,but I am also cutting myself some slack because there is a lot going on with the move etc. On a sad note I was at the house of a family I used to babysit for last week. This is a family of three girls and they are now 18,16,and 14!! Crazy! I was their babysitter from age 12-18, when the eldest was 5. Also they live next door to my folks, we are still close. Anyways the 16 year old has been having these weird attacks where she starts to shake and her heart starts to pound and she cannot breathe well and her eyes roll back in her head. They last 15-30 mins. Drs. are saying it is a panic attack, I am not convinced as when she comes out of it she is flash backed to her childhood....anyone ever experience this before??? MRIs and EEGs have been clean. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEISTY!!!!!!XOOXOXOXOX

quick post

2008-04-26T03:40:00.000-07:00

ok so it is 7:30 am and I am about to go to pilates and when I get back here I will post more about being discharged from therapy, but I wanted to ask the following question. How do I not care about how I look? I feel this is one of the final pieces of my recovery. How do I not care about my appearance. There is power in beauty and thinness; the way people treat you, the way people look at you,,,,,but it is all about external. External affirmation, external admiration false false false. But I want that and I want to NOT want it. Advice???

Leaving in 6 days

2008-04-24T08:40:00.001-07:00

Today is my last day of work! AND we leave for Toronto in 6 days. SIX DAYS!!!!!!!!!!! I am nervous. I am scared and super excited. My last therapy appointment is tomorrow. AHHHHHHH! We are still going to keep in touch online, but saying bye bye to my T will be scary. I am a little disappointed cause no one seems to be commenting on my blog.:( I got a new laptop yesterday! I am picking it up today! YEAH:)

John Prescott and Dr. Ty Glover

2008-04-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

You may have seen that former Deputy Prime Minster John Prescott has come forward about his struggle with Bulimia. I feel very much that Mr. Prescott should be commended and supported for his actions. He is helping to being this condition into the public eye and to demonstrate its far reaching fingers (haha no pun intended). To you Mr. Prescott I wish you well in recovery and I thank you for you courage. Oh and also, I believe you! I am FURIOUS however, about Dr. Ty Glover's comment that "It’s hard enough for a young girl to confess to, but for a high-profile male politician approaching 70, it’s especially impressive." Hold up? Say WHAT???? Is it more impressive because Mr. Prescott was busy running the country AND having an eating disorder? Is it more impressive because, he, a white middle class male who as a rule is at a lesser risk of developing this condition, was able to come forward? Is it because he stepped out of the NORM of bulimia in that he is not a sick young woman with a heart condition???? BULLSHIT. I SAY BULLSHIT Dr. Glover. The fact that we have this norm demonstrates the ignorance of your statement. You say it is impressive that a white wealthy man who can pay for the best mental health care is more impressive than a young woman with lesser economic resources and a whole culture that instructs her to be thin? SHAME ON YOU!!!!!! SHAME! Yes Mr. Prescott is dealing with different social pressures, but your value judgment SMACKS of sexism.

Duh!

2008-04-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

ok so in my last post I accidentally wrote that our wedding date is may 29, 2008...it is acutally 2009! Sorry. And thanks to Sarah for making me realize it! God in a month would be terrifying. I have nothing done. Went shopping with my mom yesterday. It was not good. WARNING NUMBERS! I am a size 6-8. Depending on the store. I figure since I am so short, this is acutally quite fat. My mom is the same size )almost) as me and considers herself fat......so you see shopping is sometimes good and sometimes bad, depending on how we are both feeling about our bodies. Yesterday, was a BAD body day for me. And as I write this I realize how awful it must be for my mother to hear me say I am fat when we are the same size. I don't think she is fat, I think she is tiny.........weird. ANYWAYS I was trying on this skirt, and I asked my mom if it made me look fat and she said " I don't think so". Well that was not the answer I wanted............it went downhill. I immediately stopped wanting to shop. I was sitting in the dressing room trying not to cry, wishing I could rip the disgusting fat from my body. I pulled myself together and decided that I needed to stop shopping. We went and got coffee and went for a walk instead. I am proud I could say I needed to stop, But I am ashamed that I think I am fat. I acutally don't think I am fat, I think I am average. Which is WAY WORSE.

Wedding/Job

2008-04-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone, Warning that this is gonna be a long one. So Greg and I have started our wedding planning. Our Date is May 29th 2009, we went and met with the hotel yesterday and we got the......wait for it......MENUS. We have to pick out food, the good news is I think it is actually going to be really good. Here is our tentative menu. Starter: Baby green salad with honey vinegrette. Entree of which guests have a choice of the following...can you guys guess which one I would die before I ate?: Supreme Chicken with Bosc pears and a cranberry-chile jus 6 ounce tenderloin something or other with Shallots and some sort of cream sauce Spinach and Herb risotto with braised root vegetables Dessert is wedding cake We are putting a bottle of red and white wine on each table. Coffee and tea. What do you all think? Good, bad, awesome???? Also, I am job hunting and fuck is this ever stressful. It is so stressful in fact that I dream about it. There are two jobs I have applied for that I would cut off my arm to get. One is as a Pr0gram Dir3ct0r for Y0uth at an int3rnati0nal cultural organization whose name I am not putting on my blog. The other is a counseling and 0utr3ach position for women who are escaping abusive situations. I should hear back today about the first one, I only applied today for the second. I feel like I am well qualified, but hell I thought that about PhD too and I didn't get in. There are two parts of me reacting to this job hunting. One is very excited about new possibilities, the other is terrified that I am too stupid to get a job. Each of these side of me make regular appearance throughout my day. And you will all say how smart I am and yes I realize I am relatively intelligent, but still, this PhD thing has really challenged my understanding of myself. For some reason I have a real insecurity about my intelligence. I am not sure where it came from, but when I look back on my actions throughout university and even in high school, it is crytal clear that I never considered myself to be smart.I SUCK at math and I really struggled with this in high school. I did reasonably well in everything else, but math sucked. I also sucked at music theory in music school because well, music theory is math. I did ok in University, but it wasn't until grad school that I started kicking ass. But I honestly think they just wanted to pass us and get us outta there. When i look at my relationships with teachers and professors it is clear that I enver considered myself to be intelligent. i did not think they would value or notice me for my brain so I always tried to win them over by being pretty, fun and helpful, very much a "woman's role". I never thought I would get noticed as a smart one, so I had to be the fun, polite, sweet, beautiful one. This was especially true around male professors, I craved male validation of my skills and since I thought I was dumb my skills were being sweet and pretty. nice to be around. Men respond to this whether we like to admit that or not. I was just starting to value my mind when I got rejected from PhD. It totally sent me into a tailspin 9read b/p). Outwardly I have coped just fine. inwardly I think I was more distraught, I AM MORE DISTRAUGHT, then I Let on. outwardly I am very much "oh well onward and upward" "I will reapply", "Can't give up". Inside I am feeling "WHY DON"T YOU WANT ME!!??!!! WHY AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The anxiety created by this feeling of rejection is hard. Very hard. It is just like being left alone at home after school when my paretns worked and I was alone and I knew when my Dad got home we would fight. So I b/ped. Same feeling of rejection, I am 12 years old screaming for acceptance from my parents. I don't understand their absence and I don't udnerstand why they want me to do so well in school, in music, in life generally. Nothing is good enough. NOTHING! Everything I do is a failure. I was not good enough as a daughter, in school, in sports, in music, in looks...NOTHING. AND I CRAVE the power of being beautiful. Being beautiful is easy, the reactions you get are instant, being smart and consistently nice is hard and being myself never got me the approval I wanted....no that I needed.

Purging Always Fails Me

2008-04-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

So Purging makes you fatter, makes your skin bad and makes you a bitch. I know this and yet I still purge! BUT NOT MORE! I had a nasty ass relapse recently and I am puffy and bloated and zitty! Well NO MORE. I am back on the good side baby! But I wanna binge sooooooo bad and purge sooooooobad!

Venting

2008-04-16T05:45:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone ! I know I am super negative right now, but well that is how it has to be! Thanks so much everyone for your comments recently. They are helping to keep me sane. Here is the thing, I am really really angry with Greg. He is in exams right now and hasn't really be home before 11pm for like the last 2 weeks. For the two weeks before that it was 8 or 9pm. Keep in mind we leave the house at 8am at the latest every morning! So I have been going it alone. At first it was fine, I would go to work, go work out, make dinner and then he would be home and we would have some time together, but now I barely see him and when I do he is distant and stressed. I understand exams. I get the stress, I have been there! So that doesn't bother me so much. I have been keeping the house hold running cause he is so busy, again I don't mind, but I WOULD like a little recognition!You see tonight is his last night of exams. He is done at 4:30 or so and we agreed we would go out with his law school friends tonight! Not a problem. Super fun! i understand how important it is to drink a beer with those who have shared in your horrific exam experience, but I figured it would be at like 7pm. So after his last exam we would go home, maybe....HAVE SEX or at least snuggle and then go out. But he told me last night at 11:30pm that they are starting at 4:30pm. I was pretty upset and now I feel like one of those whiny women who has to force her spouse to spend time with her. I told Greg how I was feeling and that I was mad at him and he said "Ok I will come home at 4:30 then" I was like "NO WAY MISTER! I now have plans to do pilates and go for a run and then meet all y'all!" He couldn't understand why I didn't want him to come home. But it was like I was FORCING him too! I wanted him to do it cause he wanted to see me. Also I am still bummed out about grad school and it is starting to get me down again and he hasn't really had time to help me take my mind off of it cause I got the news at Easter and then BAM! it was exam time. Needless to say I feel like a big fat slob. I am pissed off and bingry/purgey (Greg if you read this I am not blaming you for my ED habits). FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I feel like ass! Whiny, like I can't get out of my head. You know that feeling when a loud repetitive noise goes on forever and you want to FREAK OUT, SCREAM etc? That is how i feel RIGHT NOW!

And I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

2008-04-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

OK So I have been the world's WORST blogger ever, but things here are VERY stressful at the moment, both bulimic wise and other wise. We are moving in 16 days!! Ahhhhhh! and we have subleted our apt. for the summer, but our landlord has NOT gotten back to us about renewing our lease. I mean he can't kick us out without proper notice, but he does not have the cheques he needs for the next year NOR do we have a lease after the end of April. He said it was cool to sublet and renew but now I have subleted and I have not heard from him re renewing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Also, I have to pack. and I have TONS of clothes and I cannot possibly take them with me. So I have gone through everything and I am taking all the clothes I do not wear to the Youth in Transition house that we partner with here in town. I will let the girls pick through them and donate the rest to the clothing drive, but this is a hell of a process. Also, I have no job in Toronto yet! AHHHHHHHHH! I am looking, actively, but nothing has surfaced. I am totally going to take a course at the University, but I need to get special permission cause I already have an Masters................gah! I emailed the director.....wish me luck! Yesterday my dad left for a small Asian country (where he works) and I will not see him until June when he flies home through Toronto! SAD! And finally, Greg is in exams so he is NEVER around which is totally not his fault but results in me being home alone A LOT with only all this stressful crap to think about and you know what that means!!!! B/p baby! FUCK! Good news is I finished my work project. So I got everything in my contract finished and I have 2 weeks of work left. AND I was finally okayed by my Physiotherapist to start running again and I got my Orthopedics. So I started on Monday. Ran 3 times last week. Going for 4 this week. Question: Last week I ran three times (15 kms total), went to a abs/hips/thighs pilates class, went to a high cardio boot camp pilates class and went for a long walk. Is this enough exercise?

A little Slam Poetry for Thursday

2008-04-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

HELP I CAN'T GET THIS TO FORMAT!!!!

The myth of Thin

Smashing the mirror in front of my face Trying to pull myself out of this place of anger and fear and hate But I see myself through his eyes and I am trying to squeeze myself into his size Tearing at the flesh on my things My self worth is judged my size by the number of my jeans or the glint in the eye of the man down the street. And I am trapped in this prison of skin and the monster inside of my won't let me win this fight for my life And I am screaming, I'm angry, I'm so full of hate Why the FUCK are women judged by a measuring tape By the size of her waist She is wasting away She will die and you'll cry And you'll say what a shame Another one lost to the beauty game but then you turn your face from the victim of thin and think, if only my ass would fit in to the jeans I wore at 18. Cause the myth of thin Can always seep in with that measuring tape that long coiling snake And you will start to believe that your happiness lies in pants of smaller size but look out for the lies Cause the closer we get to out goals The more we lose of our souls And then we belong only to HIM the myth of thin.

HELLLO!

2008-04-03T04:24:00.000-07:00

So pardon the major delay in posting, things have been busy around here. I have been having a really hard time not binging since I heard back from PhD. I feel like shit. Like I am not good enough, like I am wasting my time. You see I have NO idea what I really want to do now. I could go to Toronto and get a job (believe me I am looking). I could go for the summer and the get a job back here in the fall and wait until Greg is done with school. OR I could just crawl in a hole. I like number three! I am 24 and I feel like my life is flying. Like my youth is running away from me. Now I will be 26 if I got back to school!!! Wasn't I supposed to be done by now????FUCK! Or I could pursue a career? But in what? Governmental???/ NO FRICKIN WAY! I am much to disheartened for that. I feel lost. ON a WONDERFUL note Greg and I set a date! May 29th, 2009! His graduation is on the 28th! It's gonna be a good w/e!!!

2008-03-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Restless! I am super super restless! I don't know why I am so restless but I am. I don't know how to fix it. I have ONE HOUR of work left and I am going to the gym and then out with some friends. THIS SHOULD HELP THE RESTLESSNESS! GOD! I am soooo glad it is the weekend. Thanks to all of you for the nice thoughts and encouragement this week!

Grad School

2008-03-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

So I was not accepted to school Y or Z. I am third on the wait list for school X. I am definatly reapplying next year. I will NOT be beaten by this and I will NOT give up. I didn't apply for funding, which made a difference I think as I had no potential for external scholarships. I am feeling ok right now but let me tell you how much my weekend sucked ASS! Wait...now I don't know where to start. Ok by Thursday I basically knew that this year was not going to be the year for PhD, BUT I had to wait all weekend to know for sure. There was some DEFINITE b/ping at first. But I got on the treadmill, researched jobs and talked and cried and talked and cried. Greg was AMAZING. He didn't get into law school the first time around so he knew exactly how I was feeling. He didn't try to paint a rosy picture. He just let me cry and freak out. He was wonderful! I got to mourn my plans for next year and now I am making new ones now but it was a rough ass journey to here. Waiting to hear back from grad school was very much like being weighed. I was essentially asking someone to quantify my academic capacity and I totally made it about my self worth. It was like a scale, addictive and destructive as hell. But I am feeling much better. I think getting wait listed was good. I least I know I was not INSANE to apply. I also emailed my MA advisor and she said not to worry. I am smart enough to do it and I just need to take this year, apply for funding and take some courses; i.e. don't give up! That really really helped. So I'm still moving to Toronto and I am already applying for jobs and other school programs. My two fav options are: counselling program for assaulted women and this outreach job with Latin American women. I have applied for both so please keep your fingers crossed for me. I am doing ok with all of this. I am surprised, honestly, how well I am doing. I thought I would be significantly more distraught, but I'm not. This is the first time in my life I have ever not gotten what I went out for. It is weird. But it happens to everyone and it is how you get up off the mat that counts right? So yeah. I am ok. Kinda waiting around to see if the other shoe will drop and I will freak out. But full of hope right now.

Bad News

2008-03-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

So I have some bad news about Grad School. I have been waitlisted for program X. A friend heard back positively from School Y and I have not. AND on the forums people were accepted to grad school Z and I have heard nothing. So it looks like I suck and I am not going to get to go to grad school next year. I am very sad. Trying to make back up plans, but mostly crying. Also I am on the island so Greg's family is around. I had this really crappy experience at the local greasy spoon this AM. I ordered an egg white veggie omelet and got my omelet and there was CHEESE in it. Now I HATE melted cheese, like BIG TIME and HELLO it was a veggie omelet WTF is with the cheese. No one said there was cheese and the menu did not indicate that.

So I said "OMG there is cheese in this omelet" and this is what happened next. Greg's Dad: "well yeah"

Me: "it is a VEGGIE omelet"

Greg's Step Mom: You just forgot to tell her not to put cheese in it

Me: Who puts cheese in a veggie egg white omelet?

Greg's SM: we can take care of it..

Me: no no it is ok I was just surprised

Greg's SM: No, we will get another one. I will eat yours

Me: NO, SERIOUSLY it is ok

Greg's little Brother: Soledad you brought this on yourself.

Greg's Dad: Calls the waitress over, orders me a new omelet.

Waitress: What can I do for you?

Restaurant owner comes over (she is friend of family's): Hey [Greg's dad] what fuss are you causing

Greg's SM: Tells her what happened

Me: HUMILIATED look down at my plate, trying NOT TO CRY

Greg's SM: Give me your OMELET and get that pouty look off your face.

Me: SOMEHOW managed not to cry and after a reasonable break went to the bathroom to do so (BRIEFLY) Then I tried to bake a cake later and it was lopsided and took a long time to cook and Greg's parents were all over what I was doing wrong. And then I tried to ice it.....FUCK! Seriously, the last couple of days have SUCKED ass.

not holding it together

2008-03-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone, I am NOT holding things together very well right now. B/P B/P B/P. The stress of waiting I swear to god. Someone help! any advice. I was doing so well. Need to get back on track........

Renewed Hope?

2008-03-18T05:57:00.001-07:00

Ok so CLEARLY yesterday was a bad day. My eating was not too bad, SHOCKINGLY. Although I did binge on like 15 pink peppermints. but besides that I am managing to hold it together food wise. Yesterday a friend of mine got rejected from a program I applied to (it's ok as she was admitted elsewhere before this) and I was not rejected. Not accepted, but my online status did not change like hers did! Maybe there is hope. Although her last name starts with J and mine is with L so maybe they stopped at J. ok I am sorry for being sooooooooooooooo annoying, but that is what you people signed up for:) xo

Not getting in

2008-03-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

I just reread my writing sample and it is terrible. I am not getting in. There is NO WAY they will take me. I am a stupid loser. I wouldn't take me...............some tiny part of my is holding on to hope that they will take me, that maybe I am wrong abut my self,. but I KNOW THEY FUCKING DISGUSTING TRUTH! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! I SENT IN THE WRONG FUCKING Writing SAMPLE!

And just for a minute.....my heart stopped

2008-03-17T04:26:00.000-07:00

So I got to work this morning, opened my email and there was an email from one of the Universities I had applied to. My heart stopped I read frantically only to find it was a SURVEY about my application process........... gr!

Saturday's Almost Over

2008-03-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

So it is Saturday night and I am back at home in my house coast drinking tea. Last night I went out.....hardcore.....seems there has been a lot of that lately. Seriously, I went from work, to the grad pub, to a friend's house to play ROCKBAND! and then to another pub. I went from 4pm-2am. We were literally kicked out of the bar. It was intense! This morning I was burnt and I went to my pilates class anyways....CARDIO pilates....I had to jump rope. I swear to god I almost puked. but I went! Then I went to the opera with my parents for my mom's b-day! OK, opera and hangovers are a BAD BAD BAD mix. Sitting for 4 hours when all you want to do is sleep. Loud voices. Drums. Ugh! Still no word on the PhD front, But I had therapy and my T and I are going to set up email sessions when I move to the T.dot if I feel I need them Nothing else. Taking my hungover ass to bed. Cheers

Friday!

2008-03-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday Everyone! It is March 14th, which has always been an auspicious day for me. I got my period when I was 12 on March 14th, I got into graduate school on March 14th, it is my mother's b-day. SO MAYBE just MAYBE there will be a letter waiting for me when I get home. I had therapy this am, it was really really good. I have one T sessions left and then all done. HOW CRAZY is that???? I am off work today at 3:30. IT is 1:49 and I want to go home sooooo badly. Tonight I am going to a party and tomorrow AM I have cardio-pilates!! WOOT. My clothes are really bugging me today. I have lost weight due to stress and non of my clothes fit right. My bra is too big and I look like big fat saggy boobed freak! EW!

Sanity?

2008-03-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

hahahahahahahahaha I am posting to keep from purging or binging. Crazy I am going CRAZY I cannot live with this stress. I want to swim through a sea of chocolate and sleep in warm bread. I want COMFORT and my body (fucked up little shit it is) is saying "I WANT TO BINGE". Well I say NO! Cause Binging=Purging and we are trying to avoid that today. Please oh please oh please PHD gods let me know my fate. Here is a poem I wrote yesterday! For some reason I cannot get the spacing on this to post the way I write it out. Any suggestions?

Ode to the Prospective Graduate Student

Each morn when I rise I wonder out loud

Will today be the day that I make myself proud?

Will today be the day I get say

I been accepted to PhD, I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!

I decided a PhD would be my next goal

So I started applying to schools in the fall

I polished an essay until my eyes swam

and I can now recite my research statement on demand.

My father corrected each grammatical error

And my fiance prof read so much he's losing his hair

.My mother spent hours going over my forms

And my stress ball is now permanently deformed

The department's decision should arrive someday soon

Perhaps in an email in my inbox 'round noon

Or maybe a letter will be waiting at home

Or shall they call me on the telephone?

I look for smoke signals with an affirmative plume

And check the foot of each pigeon that flies my room

The sound of the fax makes me jump up on cue

And when I close my eyes I see the words "Under Review"

I drive my fam. crazy with all of my doubts

And my co-workers' patience has SURELY run out.

I even annoy myself these days

Yet I wait and I hope and I pray and I say:

What I really want is 5 more years of school

ith comprehensive exams and citation rules

I hope that they take me, I hope that I hear

Or I might just have to apply again next year!

My Perfect Day

2008-03-12T10:28:00.001-07:00

If I get into a PhD program I am going to take the following day of work and celebrate in the following way: Wake up: Whenever- Have sex with Greg, lay in bed while watching trashy TV. 12:00 walk down town for brunch 2:00 go to the gym 4:00 take a LONG bubble bath with trashy magazine or book 6:00- get a massage 8:00- go out for celebratory dinner/drinks. 12:00- stumble home

Again

2008-03-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

Ok it is cold here, like freaking cold. I need some sun people. Yesterday was a much better day b/p wise, but I think I may have ruined some taste buds in the whole b/p cycle as I can now taste like next to nothing, nor can I smell very well. Has this happened to anyone else ever? Nothing much else to report except did anyone else hear about Senator S@ally K3rn??? and the comments she made about homosexuality? what a psycho! I feel back for anyone from Oklahoma! If you didn't hear them, check-em out here http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=4711 . I hope she has to resign now. Yesterday was good. Greg and I got approved for our Apartment. Woo hoo! in 6 weeks we are T0r0nt0 bound......now if a PhD programme would just get back to me fuck! Holy Crap I am excited about the move. Now I have to find a job in the T.O.! AHHHHHHH! But the possibilities, for the summer at least, are endless. Check out our apt. in these pics. Also Palmie and Anon I got your comments but anon used their "real" name I think and was uncomfortable so I reposted this to save anon any exposure. Anon you can email me at suemolinar AT Yahoo DOT Ca

Happy Tuesday

2008-03-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

So, it is Tuesday and I have had a very productive day at work and I have not b/ped or even purged. Afterwork today I am getting my hair cut and then I am going to the gym so I think it will be good. Still no word on PhD but I feel slightly more sane. I started my period yesterday so I think PMS had at least something to do with the B/P. Shitty, but good to know what to look out for right? Yesterday was kinda strange for me. I started a pilates class called hips, thighs and abs. It is good, but it very "body aware". I literally felt like a beached whale lying on my mat breathing in and out. Seriously, it made me feel Very Large compared to the other women in my class. And I wasn't at all. But I definatly have more muscle than they do which totally made me feel like a man. A heavy fatty fat fat man. GAH! Where are these feelings coming from?????????? Stress? Here is your feminist funny for the day (I got it off of feministing.com) God. I love Candace Bergen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YS9DhwT2E8&eurl=http://feministing.com/archives/008744.html

Shit

2008-03-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

B/P ed my face off this afternoon! WAYYYYY stressed. Fuck

Jen

2008-03-07T04:56:00.000-08:00

I was so sad to hear about Jen this AM. My thoughts are with her and her family. I must also say hearing about Jen mad me so angry. Not at Jen, of course, but at this disease that has been thust upon us. Eating Disorders just penetrate our lives and tear at the hearts of those around us. They are an indistructable force that gather strength from the hurt and pain of others. I am screaming for Jen, ANGRY for Jen, FURIOUS at Adam and TERRIFIED for all of us. What could make a beautiful intelligent woman try to commit suicide? What is it in our society that tells us, you are NOT good enough, not smart enough, your best is just not going to cut it! FUCK.

Hey Macarena!

2008-03-06T05:15:00.000-08:00

So........the stress is really getting to me....in that I am Purgy Mcpurgepurge! Problem is when I b/p I actually GAIN weight! So I feel like shit. I haven't gained yet, but if I keep going this way I will AND it is bad for me AND I feel like SHITE when I do it. You would think that would be enough incentive to stop but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Self destruction is tooooo much fun (note sarcasm). Anyways the reason I am stressed is Apt. and Phd (read previous post). No b/ping yet today so......let's hope I can keep it this way. In an effort to realize this I am distracting myself by picking out wedding dresses online. I found 4 more I really like. Opinions welcome!!!! In fact opinions appreciated.

Thanks:) Love to all of you!

Potential Dresses:

Could I BE anymore stressed out?

2008-03-05T05:11:00.000-08:00

Stress! Fuck I hate it and yet it is always around! yesterday was quite literally one of the most stressful days of my life. The following things happened yesterday: 1) We found an apt. in Toronto and have filled out all the paper work and are now waiting to hear back from the rental company as to whether or not we are approved tenants. This consists of a credit check and references checks. (please understand that in hick ville NB this is NOT how we do things). Anyways because we are students with student debt and post-grad salaries we put my Dad as our guarantor (as a way to basically ensure we get the place). NOW I am waiting to hear back and this is totally stressful for me because honestly, it is like someone is evaluating me and saying if I am good enough or not. FUCK! 2) I found a subleter for our apt. for the summer. Which in itself is not stressful NOW, but the process was, Call landlord, get permission to sublet, post ad, clean apt. SHOW apt, decide on someone. Honestly the woman we got is great! and I know her sister so I feel pretty comfortable, but STILL! GAH! 3) I had my first physio session yesterday and it was very positive. Turns out I have flat feet and therefore, my knee and femur to not meet correctly- hence the pain while running. Easy to fix, but expensive. I have to find out if my insurance company will cover the physio and orthotics. GAH! Also doing all these exercises in front of mirrors with the physio therapist watching (he is also a personal trainer) is VERY stressful for me. I am like, I am soooo pudgy, and he is sooo judging me! GAH. The good news is I will live to run another day! 4) STILL NO WORD FROM PHD. 5) Also I worked all day AND made it to the gym. I ate TONS of ice cream last night! BIG SURPRISE.

March- If you are tired of hearing about my PhD stresses then don't read this post!!!

2008-03-03T09:43:00.000-08:00

So.......it's March. That's right MARCH! I can realistically expect to hear back from PhD programmes this month. I gotta say just writing that down really freaks me out. I have days where in the back of my mind I think I have a good shot. But most of the time I think I am a bad writer and therefore they will never ever ever take me. Despite all this, however, I seem to be planning next year as though I will be a PhD student. I gotta say the whole thing makes my stomach churn, my muscles tense etc. I have these lovely day dreams where I get in. In once scenario I am at work and I get an email. In another I am at home and the letter arrives. In a third they call me and tell me I have been accepted. All of these scenarios are possible, but the stress of living with the unknown is killing me. At night I have the terrifying dreams that I didn't get in, or worse I have...OMG THE PHONE JUST RANG AND I JUMPED OUTTA MY SKIN.....anyways I have these "metaphorical" dreams where I like lose my foot, or have to get a heart transplant, or the stone falls out of my engagement ring or something equally terrible. On top of all this we are trying to rent an apt in Toronto AND sublet our place here. It is V. stressful. However, I am not purging and I am starting my pilates class soon!

Update

2008-03-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

OK So I am trying to download a new template for my blog and everytime I edit the HTML and preview the new blog, my blog disappears and All I get is the HTML code as my blog page. Any one know why? thx

Breathing and Being.

2008-03-02T06:54:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone! It is Sunday and so far my Sunday is going ok. I am feeling a little restless so I am cleaning and making plans for my week in an effort to avoid the B/P. So far so good. Today I signed up for Pilates classes, 2 in fact. They are called Abs, Hips and Thighs and Boot Camp. It is 200$ which is a little steep, BUT I think I should treat myself cause really it is self care and I should not feel guilty about spending money on keeping myself healthy! So lately I have been talking time to breathe and "just be" to quote from Leah. Whenever I feel the pull of the binge I sit and breathe and talk myself through it. I find if I can identify WHY I want to binge it keeps me from actually acting on it (some of the time). I know this sounds sooooo basic but it has taken me a long time to get to this point. Before this "breeeaaaathing and beeeeing" I was just plowing through the urge to binge/purge without examining why. I was just setting my teeth and trying to push it away. Clearly, I wasn't ready to examine my urges so I tried my best to ignore them. Sometimes this worked, other times....well not so much. But now I feel comfortable confronting those urges and seeing what is behind them. For example, yesterday I went to the Opera with my father. My father and I have a VERY VERY conflictual relationship. It is very love/hate and when I was younger we fought terribly. It was defiantly an emotionally abusive relationship- we are not mending it (kinda). More on this some other time. Anyways I got dressed and felt SOOOOOO fat. The day before I had been at a party and had eaten more than I normally would have but managed, with the exception of one incident, to curb the urge to purge. Anyways, I was feeling bloated as a result and on top of that I was feeling anxious about seeing my Dad. Now normally this would lead to a b/p extravaganza, but yesterday I just put on comfy jeans, I breathed and I acknowledged that my conflictual relationship with my dad was definitely compounding my "feeling fat". The we went to the Opera and had a great time. By the end of the day I felt "thin", meaning I felt good about myself cause I had had a positive experience with my father. It sounds so obvious when I write it out here, but I guess it takes a while to be able to get to the point of articulation.

Ear Infection

2008-02-28T04:27:00.000-08:00

I have an ear infection and it is making me a huge bitch. I cannot hear out of one side of my head. I can actually FEEL the blockage in my canal. It is like having an ear canal tumour and it is nasty! I am disgusting! This whole thing is making me feel really fat cause I am sick and I don't want to exercise. I find as an EDer, when my body betrays me by getting sick it is harder to deal with then it would be for someone "normal". I already hate my body so when it goes and gets sick I feel like the thing I hate most in the world, besides food, is betraying me. I regularly feel disconnected from my body so when I get sick I feel ambushed, like I am being attacked by my body. I don't know my body well enough to heed the warning signs of an oncoming cold, flu, infection...... so when I get sick it is like all of a sudden I am incapacitated. And then I feel fat. I imagine I feel fat as "fat" is the feeling I get when I don't feel good enough or worthy enough and since my body is punishing me by getting sick I must have done something wrong. I then punish my body by b/ping. On the surface it is cause I feel fat, in actuality it is because I feel unworthy. This is then compounded by having to take time off of work and then gym. I am at work right now....I would like to go home and sleep. But I don't feel I am a good enough employee to do this. Also Greg has not taken my ear infection seriously and has not babied me sufficiently! ok......summary...I feel crappy!

Hello All

2008-02-25T07:16:00.000-08:00

So I have been having a hard time posting lately. I start and then I stop and get to tired to finish. It's like I just don't care and when I think about the week I have had it makes sense. Because of my injury I have not been running and that TOTALLY stresses me out cause I think I will get super fat, also I had the busiest week ever and did not make it to the gym as much as I usually do. Also I ate really badly, lots of crap!!! And yesterday I purged WAY more than I usually do. IT was totally from the stress of thinking that I embarassed myself on Friday night. I got VERY VERY drunk, I NEVER get THAT drunk and I ran around like a moron talking to everyone, dancing like a fool and there are things I did that I didn't even remember. Of course having as many secrets as I do (bulimia, anxiety about everything etc etc) I got really worried I had shared my deepest, darkest secrets with everyone and this led to QUITE the b/p yesterday. It is sooo not like me I am usually a very gracious person to party with, but I have been soooooo stressed and I felt like I needed to blow off steam and I think I was a totally messy drunk.... So now my face is puffy, my eyes are stinging and my stomach is empty. But I THINK I am back on track. Saturday I was totally hungover so there was NO b/ping, but yesterday afternnon....what a disaster. Anyways I am feelign better now! So far today I have had an apple, a banana and a coffee. I plan on having soup and salad for lunch and going to the gym after work as well as to the V@gin@ Monologues tonight at the local University. I had been doing so well, FUCK! On a totally different note....Has anyone heard from Beth lately? She hasn't posted in ages and I am a little concerned.

Happy (belated) V-Day and Update

2008-02-15T04:36:00.000-08:00

Son of a bitch. I just wrote a really long post and blogger crapped out and I lost it. GAH! So the last few weeks have been emotionally charged for me. Which is not a bad thing, but it has certainly been a challenge, therefore, I am blogging to vent. Warning there are numbers in this post. So last Sunday was the half marathon I have been training for....a half marathon is 21.1 kms. I have been training since October. I have run the 21kms in my goal time during training so I was TOTALLY pumped for my race, but about 2 weeks ago I pulled my IT band, which manifests itself primarily in the knee, so I took some time off running, I swam and I used the Eliptical and thought I was healed, until km eleven of my race.......I felt my knee go and I had to pull out. I am so disapointed in myself. I feel like maybe I should have kept going, or at least tried to keep going or not run at all. I feel like a failure.... I was TOTALLY kicking ass, which is why I am so disapinted, and I was so proud of myself. I felt stupid. GAH. Here is a pic of my at the race. I am on the far right. Pardon the sperm hat it was minus 20. My mother recently got home from a 6 week work project away and said I look like I have lost 10llbs. I have NOT lost a damn pound. I WANT to lose 10 llbs. I NEED to lose 10 pounds. GAH! Furthermore, I am getting discharged from therapy. I have two therapy sessions left….one in March and the last one in April. HOW CRAZY IS THAT???? What if I get really sick or don’t continue to get better or something…………..I am doing well, but I am NOT perfect by any stretch……scary!!!!!! I have not heard back from PHD. I am going NUTS! NUTS I TELL YOU. I am going to freak out….no wait I have freaked out. Soledad has LEFT THE BUILDING. TO be honest I think I am in a good enough head space that if I didn’t get in I could handle it, but I WANT TO SOOOO BAD! I am on a pretty even keel right now. My relationship with my parents is pretty decent, I am more open to other people’s opinions on things, I am less anxious and less manic and I defiantly have a better relationship with my body and food, but I am still not perfect. Also the law ball is coming up and I bought a new dress. It is strapless, black, tight and slit up the side. It is HOT! I am not sure if I have the body for it so I am a little stressed…..also what should I do with my hair?????? Suggestions??? OK that is my update. I feel it is all over the place. Love to you all!!!!

Polly

2008-02-11T04:42:00.001-08:00

We have lost a real hero. She was a true warrior and she was kicking her ED in the ass. Polly didn't succumb, she went out with a fight. I hope when I pass on it is with the same strength and fighting spirit that she had! You will be missed Polly.

2008-01-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

Friends, I will not be blogging for a while. I am ok, but I need a break. I feel this has become a negative thing for me right now for a couple of reasons. 1) I feel guilty when I don't blog. 2) I am still really angry with some of you about the whole Eve thing. 3) I just don't have the energy to sort through all these emotions. I will be back no doubt! Maybe in like a month...who knows. But I wanted you all to know that I am fine. I am still going to therapy and I am still fighting! I will be checking in, I can only imagine, on your blogs:) Take care and know if you need anything you can always email me. xo

2008-01-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckbitchfuclshitmotherfuckerassholefuckshitchingatumadrependejoputamadre!!! I am feeling really really angry! ANGRY! and sad. and disappointed and aggitated. I feel like I could rip my body apart and I would just feel all this anger in the little jagged, scattered pieces of my body. I hate my body! I hate it. It is a prison. I don't even mean my weight. I could give a fuck about ym weight. I mean my body...my brain, how I am feeling, what I am thinking. I am sinking in this mire of anger and self doubt and self hatered and self loathing. Where did this come from. It is like there is this tiny explosive kernal inside me....full of anger and hatred and every now and then it just EXPLODES!!!! leaving me full of these emotions. Emotions that used to make me try to tear myself apart from the inside out, but that now just make me feel.....furious! FUrious that I have to be this way. That I can't just be me! Can't just accecpt myself! and the wonderful things in my life!! RANT RANT RANT FUCK!

A Baby!!!????!!!

2007-12-28T08:40:00.001-08:00

No I am not pregnant! But a friend of mine had a baby and it made me want one so BAD! I know I know I am NOT ready! but loook..... Don't I , despite my somewhat harsh nature, look so sweet with a baby in my arms:) MELTING! Babies can soothe even the angriest person! I heart babies! The thought of having a two year old, mind you, makes me want to die a little. Hahahah So that is my Christmas happy! I managed, somehow, not to gain any weight over the holidays! Horrrah! Nothing more to say right now. Too lazy

Fires!

2007-12-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

So I am on PEI with Greg's family. It is very women in the kitchen, men in the living room etc etc. 10 minutes ago Greg's dad heard that someone up the road's house had caught fire. So he and Greg were heading up to check it out. Greg came to tell me and I was like...I WANNA GO. Greg was like ok. But you could tell his dad was very...hesitant about me coming. I asked if he wanted me to go and he said no. I was like....oh ok. I should have insisted on going. I am fit and have crisis training. Shit they jstu came back more later.

Posting Anew

2007-12-14T05:12:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone! I have been the slackety slackest poster ever! But I am going to try to get back on track. Here is the thing.....I had a couple of bad bad bad days. I think it was the stress of applications, and my job.....but I managed to get myself straightened around and have put in a solid three days of good eating and not purging so I think things are on the up swing. During the days I was purging my whole life just went grey and bleak and BLECH! I didn't want to have sex, didn't want to go out, didn't want to excercise or do anything but binge and purge and binge and purge...thank god Greg is around or I might have simply succumbed to those urges. After two days with purging my body felt like SHIT. I was bloated and irritable and depressed and paraniod and cranky as FUCK! Only now am I starting to feel more like myself. On a postive note I had a pizza victory the other night! Ate pizza with Greg no purging! YEAH!!!!! Also I am still running regularly....about 30-35kms a week! So that helps me with the purging. You can't run if you are purging a lot. and finally all my applications are in the mail! Will it be Dr. Soledad or Soledad- the perpetual MA??? Keep your fingers crossed!

Thanks be to Goddess

2007-12-11T10:55:00.000-08:00

ok! it's all done. I got ahold of my prof. SHe was like....no problemo! I am on it. Everything else is done. Tomorrrow, once the translations of my transcripts from Mexico come back, I am sending em off. Then it is the waiting game baby! ok that took all my energy! I am grumpy and sick and my neck hurts and I am cold and fluey and blah.....

ok to be fun here is a pic of my and

Greg that I think is really pretty!!

Letter

2007-12-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

Hey....I can't really think of a title for this blog.....but here is what is going on in my life. My PhD applications are done. I have all of my letters of recommendation for my first deadline...except one. From my thesis advisor.......usually she is really quick about this stuff....but she is totally dragging her heels and it is stressing me out. She isn't really responding to my emails etc. But she said she would write one for me...I need it really really soon. Like in the next three weeks soon..... What am I going to do? Is it me? She said she would it!!!! I am freaking freaking freaking out!!!!!!!!!!! I could cry...is it me? SOB! I need that letter. What if she doesn't do it and I don't get in because my application is incomplete. They won't even process it without her letter AND worse she teaches at one of the schools I am applying to. This is awful. In order to even apply to PhD I had to STARE down all of my insecurities..........over come them, hand over a WRITING SAMPLE for Christ Sakes.....Greg is even moving to Toronto for me.....and she can't write this god damned fucking letter. JESUS! FUCK GOD DAMN IT FUCK DAMN FUCK! (sorry)

We All Fall Down and I am on Stilts so LOOK OUT BELOW

2007-12-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

I am majorly majorly majorly stressed out. I am gonna freak out! FREAK THE FUCK OUT RIGHT HERE IN MY FUCKING OFFICE. So far here is what has happened today 1) The online recommendation forms have gone down for some reason for one of the schools I am applying to. 2) Two of my profs have yet to fill out my letters of rec. for another school ( I am not a patient person mind you) 3) My focus group for work for tomorrow got cancelled and my boss was like.."oh". Not what can I do to help, not wow that sucks...just "OH" I am serisouly going to lose it people. I am going to FREAKIN lose it

MIA

2007-12-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

No not buliMIA but Missing In Action. I have been seriously MIA, but not really Mia (bulimic) these last few weeks. I promise as soon as my PHD applications are done I will stop sucking so much and start blogging again. I miss all of you and love all of you and I have been keeping up to date on all your blogs, just not my own. I am doing ok. I have been purging a little due to stress, but nothing major and it certainly isn't everyday. Fuck I wish. I just flat out do not have the time. I want to purge, but it takes so much god damned time and energy that I just can't seem to fit it in. (sad I know and not real recovery). I have, however, run 4 times this week (total of 25kms or so) So I am very happy about this. Oh! and Greg and I put up our tree last night. It is a fake green tree (boo fake, but hey we just don't have the time for a real one) and it has red and silver bulbs all over it and white lights and a sweet angel on the top. We went out last night after working all day and bought our ornaments. It is the first time we have ever had room for a tree! Also we bought each other a surprise ornament. I got Greg a tractor (cause he grew up on a farm) and he got me an angel that looks just like me! It was so sweet to put up the tree together and we listened to Stuart McLean (Canadian comic). I was very much basking in the glow of love and Christmas. Yes I love the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa season!!!!! Deal with it!

So like are you a Lesbian? and otherways people make me feel fat

2007-11-26T09:45:00.001-08:00

I work for a feminist collective I am assertive I use the term "partner" instead boyfriend/fiancee or any other heterosexist language. I think gender is fluid thing ( no not bodily fluid, but a fluid concept.... depending on one's personal taste, life expriences, whatever....) I vounteer at an abortion clinic My running group knows all these things about me ( minus my political understandings of gender) I love my running group. They are completely seperate from the rest of my life. I love them for it. So I am running with this middle aged gentleman who is from PEI and I ask him what part. He says:" (greg's town) " I say: "no kidding my fiancee is from there". He says: What's her name? I say: "Greg". He says: "Oh" (runs off) In my eating disordered mind: He thinks you are a lesbian, therefore you are mannish, therefore you are fat. ( to any lesbians reading this i know lesbians are not, as a group, fatter or skinnier than any other sector in society) In reality: He thought I was gay cause of my assertiveness, PC langauge and prolly cause I said Angelina was hot. Ah ED! You are quite the mindfuck!

PhD

2007-11-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone and Happy Thanksgiving to all you Americans:) I have been keeping up to date on all of your blogs but I have NOT felt like posting. To be honest I STILL don't feel like posting, but I was worried if I didn't at least check in I might never post again! Booo! PhD applications have taken over my life. I am a woman obsessed. I cannot think, work on or dream about anything else. I am insane! HELP ME! I am terrified I will not get in. Right now I am in the Law library far far far away from Greg working on a paper for PhD submission. It is coming along nicely I think. My stress levels are pretty good right now. I seem to be managing ok food wise, although I would like nothing more right now than to literally swim through a pint of ice cream with my mouth open and the purge out all my anxieties. Needless to say I am not doing this and strearing CLEAR of ice cream! I cannot afford to allow my concerntration to drop one tiny bit and b/p (as you all know) is a death knell for the concentration. I have to say that since grad school ended, and I got a better handel on my ED, I have been able to work harder, longer and better than ever before. Talk about postive reinforcement. I am starting to think that any trouble I had with writing in graduate school had more to do with a lack of concerntration thanks to MIA! Talk about a nasty ass cycle....get up-stress-b/p-not be able to do any work due to concentration-stress-b/p and on and on and on! I am running about three times a week right now which is one time less than I would like, but I am averaging about 20kms a week, not great, but the closer I get to the half-marathon the more the mileage will go up so I am trying not to stress. I am really busy, something has got to give and it is NOT gonna be these applications. Running is awesome. We did sprints yesterday and felt like I was flying:)!!!!! So that is it for me, Greg and I are going to see "American Gangster" tonight. It should be really good and allow me to kinda shut off my brain (at least for a bit). Hope everyone is doing well! xos to all of you

It's Been a While

2007-11-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hello All! I have been AWOL as of late....I just haven't wanted to blog. To be totally honest I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. Greg and I had a really big "talk" about how I do not include him in my ED. I had a little relapse when I got home and he let it go on without telling me he knew..........it ended in a fiery heated argument when he told me that this girl we both know was "hot". To be fair I asked if he thought she was..........ugh! Anyways he wants to be included in my ED recovery (ahhh scary), so I am trying to let him see this part of me a bit more. But it is like having someone else who can hold me accountable! It feels like giving over some control... Also Greg's parents are visiting this weekend and we went out to a BUFFET!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!! last night! You will all be proud of me! I did not binge or purge. I ate a lot of Salad, but I managed to do very well and even had a few chicken balls. This afternoon I took his step-mom shopping and we both bought some clothes and I even tried on some fancy dresses...some where nice, some not so much. Then at dinner tonight I was telling my mom about this dresses and L (greg's stepmom) said " Soledad tried on a few dresses, some where really bad and as tiny as she is they made her look fat". To my credit I laughed and agreed with her, but I ate very little for supper....I am trying not to stress about this.....perspective?????? THEN at dinner when we were leaving my mom says to Greg's folks " we will see more of you if this all works out"........................WTF????????????????????????????????????BITCH! She claims it was about us moving and them visiting more....but I don't know....I think she thinks she was being "realistic". Whatever. I am not letting her shit all over my happiness.

Home

2007-11-11T14:27:00.000-08:00

I am home. I am soooooo tired and I feel a little anti-climactic. We had a wonderful time and as far as purging went I did pretty good, but lemme tell you Toronto women are gorgeous and thin. I definatly felt pressure to lose weight while I was there. Like we are moving there so I need to lose some of my excess.........I am sitting with this right now.....not doing anything about it yet. But I want to start excersising like a mad woman and not really eating/purging. I KNOW this is ridiculous and a lot of it as to do with the fact that I am worried I am not good enough for a PhD and therefore I feel fat and ugly. I will keep you all updated on how this goes.

We are very very happy with how all this went. We are moving to Toronto, I just have to make sure that I get into programme for 2008-2009 or I will be hanging around my hometown until Greg is done Law School.......

STRESS!!!!

Here are some pics!!

Leaving Toronto!!!

2007-11-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

We are leaving tomorrow. But let me say it has been a really really great trip. Gr3g got a really good job working on B@y Street and I had some really great meetings with schools for PhD. SO!!! we will be moving to Toronto in May!!! More on all this later:)!!!!! We will be home on Sunday.

Anger Today

2007-10-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone. It seems like I have been experiencing a lot of anger lately. I don't really know where it is coming from but there you have it. Today I am angry!!!!! I had a VERY frustrating meeting this am with some very frsutrating people. Unfortunatnly this is all I can say on the subject. Also, I have been feeling guilty about my mother paying for stuff for me. In the past couple of weeks my parents have given us a new suitcase, my mom has bought me two new books and a new running jacket. I don't know why she is gifting me so much but she is.........and I feel guilty about it. Like I am not a good enough daughter and I don't deserve these things she is giving me. It makes me want to cry. Does this happen to anyone else? There is a lot going on. Greg and I leave for Toronto on Saturday and I am nervous cause he has such HUGE interviews and because I am meeting with grad directors at some schools for PhD. We promise that things will settle down once we get home, but honestly, I have a HUGE forum the next week and focus groups to do. Greg has exams, then Christmas and then new semester, another forum, PhD apps are due, midterms..............................................There was this saying Gilly and I used to have when we would get overwhelmed it was "poof"....like "poof" my heart is broken...not even enough energy left for an explosion. Well this is how I am feeling. I mean IF, and this is a big IF, I get into PhD Greg and I will spend next year apart (sob)......everything is happening tooo fast! I need a hug! Life is dragging me behind it today! BUT so far no purging! Wish me luck AS I WISH ALL YOU LUCK, with the Halloween candy!

A new look and Monday Morning

2007-10-29T05:44:00.000-07:00

So things have been going really well here bulimia wise. I have not been purging or binging, but I defiantly think I need to eat more fruit. I almost never eat fruit. Bad bad bad. So I am going to try to incorporate more into my diet. Greg and I had quite the discussion about physical expressions of anger on Saturday night. You see the thing is that every now and then ( like once a month) I have the urge to throw and smash and scream and cry and flail my arms about and swear and generally freak out. AND I THINK THIS IS OK. I would never hit anyone or hurt anyone so I really think it is OK to feel this way and sometimes to act upon it. Before I started dealing with my ED this pain, anger and destruction would be turned inward. I would binge and purge and over exercise and hurt myself as much as possible. I wanted to get the anger OUT. So I PURGED. Also I wanted to express my anger but I didn't know HOW to do it healthily. So I purged and hurt myself. I honestly feel that turning this rage externally is healthy every once and awhile. I mean throwing stuff and screaming in a safe place. i.e. your own home ( since we do not have children). I can't speak for the rest of you but sometimes I am so worked up, burnt out, mad, angry, sad frustrated etc that is bubbles up in my and at that moment self talk etc is just not gonna do it. I need to EXPRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, it is not a thought process always...sometimes it just happens. Yes it is a form of purging, but it s hell of a lot healthier than throwing up. Example; last year my dad and I had a huge falling out. HUGE and I went home and pushed over our stand up radiator and sobbed on the bed. I WAS FURIOUS and hurt. IT scared the CRAP outta Greg and he got really mad that I would "destroy" our home. notes the radiator was fine. I was upset he didn't understand. He was upset I didn't understand. We left it at that. So I curbed the urge to freak out physically and it wasn't until Lulu posted about the window screen that I thought to myself NO! I need Greg to accept this part of me. The part that sometimes needs to FREAK OUT physically. I might throw a book, punch something or slam a door. This is OK! It isn't another person I am hurting and we do not have children to scare. I am not even saying it will be something I do forever, but this is a healing process and I don't feel that curbing my expression at this point is realistic. I am trying to negotiate how to process and express. How can I do that if I am ashamed or afraid of my reactions? That they might upset Greg! Of course, being Greg, the minute I said I needed something he said OK. But he doesn't understand and he doesn't know what to do when I freak out. I would like to point out that in all our time together he has seen it once and heard it once. How do I help him understand without making him feel bad??????GAH! What do you all think??????

S3xual @ss@ult

2007-10-26T05:10:00.000-07:00

Anonymous and other non-believers of s3xu@l @ss@ult. That is unacceptable. Women who are s3xually @ss@ulted are strong, independant survivors. They have overcome adversity and had to fly in the face of social norms. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THEIR ABILITY TO REMEMBER! WOMEN ARE NOT WEAK. WE ARE NOT CREATURES WHO CAN BE MANIPULATED BY OUR THERAPISTS INTO FALSLEY REMEMBERING WE HAVE BEEN RAPED. IF SOMEONE REMEMBERS THAT SHE HAS BEEN RAPED THEN SHE HAS BEEN RAPED. WE HAVE BEEN OVERCOMING ADVERSITY SINCE THE BEGINNING OF HUMAN LIFE. WE ARE THE STRONGEST THERE IS. In the light of the ASSHOLE on AE's blog I have decided that maybe the cul-de-sac, blogworl etc, could use some facts about s3xual @ss@ult. I work for a r@pe cr!s!s centre, both in cr!s!s intervent!on and in policy analysis. Confidentiality prevents me from talking about this on my blog very much but I truly feel that some education is necessary today. 86% of v!ct!ms are fem@le Me@suring V!0l3nce against W0m3n St@tistical Trends 2006. St@tistics C@nad@- C@talogue no.85-570-X!E. (pg. 36) In 2002 only 27% of reported sexual assaults resulted in charges. In an adult criminal court survey done in 2004, 4 in 10 cases of sexual assault and sexual offences that came before an adult court resulted in a conviction and 6 in 10 of those convicted were incarcerated Ibid, 52-53 Child Victims under 11 20% of cases it is the parents 29% of cases it is another relative 9% of cases involved strangers 42% of cases involved friends and acquaintances St@tistics C@n@d@- Sexu@l Off3nc3s. The Daily. Friday, Ju!y 25th, 2oo3. Available at: Sexual Assaults are falsley reorted at a rate of 2-3% (same as anyother crime). Only 8 percent of sexual assaults are reported and only 2-3% of THAT demographic are falsley reporting. DUH! WOMEN don't make it up asshole! Me@suring Viol#nce @g@inst W0m3n S@atistic@l Tr3nds 2oo6. St@tistics C@n@d@- C@talogue # 85-570- XIE. (57)

I feel as though I can't

2007-10-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

All of my PhD applications are done. I have letters of recommendation, I have applied for scholarships, I have written research proposals, I ahve polished my CV and I have found supervisors. There is just ONE THING LEFT TO DO.......the written submisson. I have to send in an ESSAY of mine.......gulp....and they ALL SUCK! I am dead serious. They are BELOW PAR! THEY ARE AWFUL and everytime I go to polish one up I balk....I freeze, my brain turns to jello.....to mush to nothing..........................................................................................................................I am the crappiest writer ever. No school will take me. Shoot me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK JESUS DAMN FUCK MIESTER FUCK! I am going a little nutty.

A good weekend

2007-10-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

So my face is pretty much healed. Ia m not the puffy faced freak I was on Tuesday. Seriously I had JOWELS...it was bad. I look better now. The purging has been like null ( minus one tiny episode) due to the teeth and I feel FAT, but I am pushing through. These last couple of weeks have taken EVERYTHING out of me. I am exhausted and cranky. We are so busy b/w PhD applications and work and class and getting ready to go to Toronto and not seeing Greg ever and going to the gym and getting ym teeth out and therapy and you know...sleep....it hasn't been very.....peaceful in my home or my mind.....we actually ran out of groceries and toilet paper...it was BAD. I kinda freaked out yesterday and so Greg and I blew off work and took off for the coast. We walked on the warf, had a really fancy dinner in our REALLY OLD CLOTHES and just relaxed. It was lovely. We made it homein time for me to go boxing. A perfect day. It was so nice to blow it all off. I really appreicate that Greg was able to put aside all of his work and just let it go and take off with me. He put us first and it was exactly the TLC our relationship needed. Here are some pics for you guys 1) Me doing DDR at my staff party 2) Me and Greg at his award banquet after party thingy. 3) Greg and I off to work on the potato harvester on the island at Thanksgiving.

OMG I THINK I FOUND IT

2007-10-19T04:59:00.000-07:00

Whaddaya think ladies????? Honestly. Here is a pic of me.....use your imaginations. The picture is LAME. But it is the only one I have of me standing up

Wisdom Teeth

2007-10-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

I had my wisdom teeth out on Monday. Hence the lack of posting. My face swelled up like a ballon and I couldn't eat anything solid until today. It was......special. Being seperated from food was a challenge for me. Not being able to purge or have anything in me to pruge was scary for a while. I felt panicked and without my security blanket. I figured I would lose weight since I have been drinking all my meals, but in fact I actually gained a pound. Water weight maybe? That made me really want to purge, but I was more afriad of getting a dry socket then gaining a pound so I refrained. I can't work out either. AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But so far I am getting through. I had therapy today which was a good thing. We talked a lot about how I am gaining confidence in myself and understanding that what other's do is not necessarily a result of me or my behaviours. Other people have issues. There is NOTHING I can do about that. For example; my mom this weekend googled "wedding dresses for all figures" on her computer. I went to type in wedding dresses when Iwas there and what she had previously typed popped up. I asked her about ti and she denied it. So I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just left and went home. She asked why? and I told her because I am a size 7! I don't need a "sepcial wedding dress" to compensate for my body.........WTF. My mom has her own body issues and is projecting them onto me. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was proud of the fact that I recognized her biases and realized it was about her not me or my body. Today I had one of those BIG revelations where I realize that I feel that in order to be valued I have to be either really smart or really beautiful. Since I feel cannot be smart then I must try my best to be beautiful....toherwise I will not be valued and if I am without value then I am powerless. What is scarier to a woman in today's misogynistic world then to be powerless.........power and bauty are so intertwined....more on this at another date.

Having Sex and Bulimia

2007-10-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Warning this may be a bit XXX for some of you. Fiesty in particular I know how sensitive you are to this kinda shit so you might wanna not read it (hahhahah can you sense the sarcasm in that one)! ANYWAYS in all seriousness for a group of women we RARELY talk about sex. It is like eating this., fat that, jiggle this, wobble that, threw up this, ran off that.....NO WONDER WE NEVER TALK ABOTU FUN STUFF LIKE DOING IT! Ok I am kidding, but if we can't make fun of ourselves....we might as well wave the white flag of surrender to Mia and Ana now! ( please I am not making light of the experiences that some of us have had with assault. If you want me to change this please let me know). My sex drive has been 0....no wait, make that like negative 5 and I am sorry h4h but I am not dressing up like a horny rabbit everynight with lube in one hand and a beer in the other just cause mr. greg put a big sparkely on my finger. hahahahah ANYWAYS. It has been a little.........dry lately....like assume the position......I described it to gilly as "masturbating in the same room"....gets the job done but really....... nothing I couldn't have done to myself! and this has been mostly me stressing about my body and my weight and my purging and work and PhD and self-loathing and depression.....NOT SEXY...SO!! I decided we needed some ZEST! I had this whole big night planned out with an...ahem....outfit and wine . I got home and Greg had cleaned the whole apt. but flowers everywhere and laid out crackers and cheese. He jumped on me, we took of all our clothes and spent like an hour drinking wine and fooling around. I didn't freak about my body! I kinda forgot about what my body looked like it was all about feeling and it was AWESOME. Fat is not a feeling but sexy motherfucking is. My body was doing things it forgot about and I was amazed at what it could do. Very self affirming. my point= ed kills sex. we deserve to have regular sexual fun....our bodies can do many things that we don't allow it to. Everyone has boundaries, but within those boundaries it is ok to have some safe sexual fun! Even if you are single wink wink! rejoice in the body you got.

ANYONE OUT THERE

2007-10-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

Man oh man has it ever been quite around here lately. To be fair I have not been participating lately either. Today I plan on catching up on your blogs:) I hope you are all doing well. Not much to report here. I had a major vitory on Tuesday night. I had nachos AND a piece of cake with NO purging. Major step for me:) I am going clothes shopping on Saturday with my mom.......I will let you know. That's is really about it. Life is quite right now:) It's kinda nice.

Happy Canadian Turkey Day

2007-10-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

So to all of you Canucks out there happy belated turkey day!!! For all of you who aren't, you can still appreciate what a nightmare Thanksgiving is for a bulimic. I had to have TWO turkey dinners, one in PEI...which was actually pretty good and one with my family which was SLIGHTLY more problematic. Thsi is what has been goping on lately. This weekend Greg and I went to PEI and did NOTHING!!! IT was great. We slept, we read, I went for a run, we hing out with his folks and we worked on the potatoe harvester and went to church. Seriously nothing. And after the week I had it was well earned. It is always so weird being with Greg's family cause they think, or at least speak as though they think, that I am thin. For me it is really weird.....and it makes me uncomfortable, like THIN is who I am to them and I have to maintain this. And with MY family FAT is who I am and I have to CHANGE this. Translation from ED to english: Greg's family accepts me for who I am and I don't want to ruin this. MY family wants me to be perfect and I am NOT so I want to change. Thin=accepted. Fat= not. So we are sitting at the table and Greg's dad says to me: Soledad, we need to fatten you up so you will fit in your wedding dress. In my head I was like" ahahhaahahahahahahahah WHAT??????" Then I got to my family's dinner and all of a sudden I felt bloaty and round. Like a ballon, a hippo, like I would float away.....WTF is going on there???????? Wierd eh? and yet NOT so weird. Why does Greg's family accept me and make me feel ok with myself while my family makes me feel FAT=worthless. hmmm.....anyone??? ALso I get to work today and my co-worker tells me that we have a meeting. Now I had NO idea. Turns out they "remebered" on Friday and I left at 12 (with permission) to go to the island. My boss did send me and email, but everyone in the office gets all the emails about all the meetings that go on in the centre, she did NOT send me another email confirming that I had to come to this meeting or even mention it to me in the email she sent. So this morning I show up in my reserach clothes ( see jeans, sneakers, a tank top and a nice button down sweater). I looked like a student and no one has EVER complained about my clothes before. Anyways I was like uh-oh. My boss comes in and I immediatly ask what she would like me to do, she says "Well you SHOULD be coming but I guess I can brief you since you are not prepared." I live one block away from work so I offer to run home and put on a suit. She says "WHATEVER Soledad". I almost cried. Instead I went home, changed...fuming the WHOLE time and worrying about my job. I felt defensive and sad. I was angry and worried and hurt. I have a lot of down time at work sometimes that makes me feel like a bad employee, so after this little incident I was doubley stressed about being a bad employee......I am paid for 7.5 hours a day. I come in one hour before eveyone else and leave an hour earlier. This stresses me out BIG TIME. It makes me feel like a slacker. AH! I could cry. Anyways I got back to the office and I think everything is fine, she doesn't treat others like this. This is the SECOND time somethiing like this has happened in the last month and it is always me:(. It makes me feel like I am a crappy employee. ARGH!

Punching the air victoriously

2007-10-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

HA! Well after a couple of shitty weeks I have managed (with some help from Venus myT), to pull myself out of this funk. We talked about the big "D'....depression! Gulp. and how I have symptoms of depression. She didn't come out and say I was depressed, but that is where she was headed. My first response was this sinking feeling. "OMG! Depression! I thought that would go away once the eating got better". Then I was angry " HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN THAT BOX". You see Venus sees depression as neuro-chemical thing that we are essentially born with. I don't accept that. I DO think depression is neuro-chemical, but I think it a response (that we may or may not be genetically predisposed to) that comes out under conditions of extreme stress. I refuse to see this as chronic. I asked her flat out if she thought I had a major mood disorder and she said no. I see that as GREAT! I am beating bulimia.....I can beat depression too. AllI need is a plan. I mean hell, I have done most of the work already. It is just gonna take an extra push. I can do that! It'll be hard, but it can't be has hard as kicking bulimia. I am refusing to accept the label of depressed! Depression like bulimia can SUCK MY ASS!!!!!!!! Of course it took me a while to get here. I was TERRIFIED to tell Greg least he then label me, in his head, as depressed. Nor did I want to admit to myself that I suffered from depression. It almost felt WORSE that admitting I suffer from bulimia. Is that wierd? Like bulimia we REALLY suffer, depression was always a bi-product of my ED. And now my T thinks it might be the CAUSE of my E.D. I'm bulimic becaue I am mildly to moderatly depressed?? That just seems self indulgent. Last night I was sooooo sad/mad that I found myself wishing something catastrophic had happened to me to cause my ED ( Sorry to those of you who have had this happen). But no. I am just me. Boring, substandard self indulgent me! (opps there is the depression talking....fuck off depression I said....NOOOOO!!!!!!!!). So anyways now I am fighting with both fists in front of my face the right hook for Bulimia the left jab for depression. I think I am going to rename my MIA "Deprimia" It's an ugly name for an ugly thing!

I'm a Dumbass.

2007-10-03T04:30:00.000-07:00

OK.....first things first I went all day yesterday without purging AND I had a hamburger for supper!!!!!!! Normally a non-purge day looks like the following: B-fast- coffee and granola/yogurt Snack- Maybe some fruit Lunch- Michelina light or salad and some fruit Snack- coffee and some toast Supper- Salad, chicken- or something close to this. BUT YESTERDAY I EXPERIMENTED B-fast- same Snack- didn't have one Lunch- apple, banana, yoguhrt and a tiny piece of cheese ( I KNOW, I KNOW) Snack.....nope Supper- salad, hamburger and a beer!!!!!!! Snack- toast and cheese and another beer! and NO PURGING AND NO EXCERISE YESTERDAY AND I CALCULATE THE CALS AND IT IT TOTALLY NORMAL AND WITHIN A NORMAL RANGE FOR MY BODY/AGE/GENDER ETC!!!!!! Muahahahahaha ok now that bad. Yesterday my godfather had surgery for prostate cancer- so I spent all day in the hospital waiting and reading. Also.........I had a mid-term last night in one of the classes I am taking "for fun" and I HAD NO IDEA. I got there and was like.....ummmmmmmmmm........ THIS HAS NEVER EVER EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!! EVER. I had a 4.0 in grad school.....WTF! Anywats, I am totally stressed about it. I think my prof might let me rewrite, but seriosuly! To be honest I think I did remarkably ok for not studying. We shall see. I am sure it won't matter what I got on some random course as it is not part of my degrees, but I don't want that on my transcript you know? So the withdraw date is Nov. 1st. Depending what I get on this mid-term and depending if she lets me rewrite , I might just withdraw. This was recreational and fun, and it has turned out to be s stressor. I was asked to do some PhD apps for next year which I am working on so I would much rather have a "W" in some random first year course on ym transcript than a bad mark. Thoughts anyone??????? I am going to see Venus today (my T) THANK GOD. The last couple of weeks have been INSANE! Good news is that Greg is kicking ass in his interviews for law positions. More on this when I know more and I am allowed to divulge stuff. Heheheh ......................................................................edit.......................................................................................... I love the highs and lows of mental illness............ Right now I am overwhelmed with stuff I have to do. OVERWHELMED AND NAUSEOUS. My eating is normal today. I am doing good things for my body, but what about my head. My head huts, it is racing with thoughts of all I have to do. I want to cry, to sit down and cry like a little kid. TO get it all out. To get it all out and start again. I WANT TO KNOW WHY??????? WHY DO I HAVE BULIMIA!!! WHY????????????????????????????????????????????? WHY WHEN I EAT NORMALLY DO I STILL FEEL ALONE AND LOST??????????? WHY?????? Now I am crying at my desk. Today is a dark day. A sad day. A hard day. I am not this person. I am not a sad and depressed person. I am more than this eating disorder. I am fighting this mosnter. But today I am sad. and it isn't because my body doesn't look the way I want it too, it is because I feel overwhelmed by life at the moment. My jaw aches from holding bak the sounds of crying and my thraot aches from trying to stop my tears. I want to crawl into a safe place and hide I want to escape this sadness, SO many good things have happened this week and I feel sad and overwhelmed. THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ME! I want to be happy, to be at peace. I don't know how..........because I don't know why I am at war with myself:(

52:37!!!!!!!!

2007-09-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

That's right I finished my 10k race in 52mins and 37 seconds. AND I had Pizza for supper! Successfully!!!!!!!!!!!!

booooo-yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i remember when I was sooooo sick I couldn't run 2kms! HA! Suck it BULIMIA!

Things On The Home Front Ain't So Good.

2007-09-26T04:35:00.001-07:00

Ok. this week sucks. Not ED sucks, but just sucks ass in general...and this si why Monday- Work/School Tuesday- Clinic/Work/ then I was ON TV(hello trigger central) / thenI had to do interviews for the centre/ Greg had class till 9:30pm. Today-work/huge meeting/presentation (did I mention I have an evil cold)/tonight I am hosting a workshoptill 9pm/Greg has class all day/then a squash game/the a meeting Thursday- Work all day/ Greg has the first of his interviews Friday- Work all day/class/ Take back the night/Greg in Halifax for interviews Oh PS I think I gave him my cold:)........... Saturday- My race We are not really getting along. I am scared and sad:( This never happens. Our relationship and home has always been the one place we could turn to for comfort and now it feels as cold and means as the rest of the world:(.............................................boooooooooo......... What if I lose him? What if we lose some of our magic?I would want to be somewhere else if I where him............ Of course this manifests itself in the need I have to be beautiful/thin so that he will stay even though I am being an impossible bitch........this isn't fair to him/doesn't give him enough credit...............................

Vegetarianism ( MAYTRIGER)

2007-09-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about removing meat from my diet. I know I know you are all SCREAMING retricting in your heads, but here is the thing I find when I eat meat I am more purgy then when I eat fruit, nuts and veggies I am much happier with the way I feel and look. Plus I see this step as a way of "starting over" with food. Of creating a new and healthy relationship with what and the way in which I eat. I am going to spend the next couple of days researching this on the internet I will update you all on my progress. Please let me know if you have any advice. Confession- 2 months ago I bought a scale. It stayed in my closet far away for a while, now it is in the bathroom. IT needs to go! It is starting to control me again.............I told GReg I have to chuck it. I think that is tonight's project. I haven't owned a scale for YEARS....I thought I could handel it. I can't! The thing is I would like to lose some wieght...so I am eating better(ISH) and running. But to confirm my efforts are working I NEED to see that number move! I CRAVE seeing that number move. I cannot trust myself to be healthy lest I be FAT and just not know it cause the scale didn't tell me. Seriously I have NO concept of my own body. NONE what so ever. I was looking at pics from grad school when I thought I was pretty stable (re my weight) and I was TONS bigger then than I am now. ANd I didn't really realize it. I need the scale to tell me where I am at. AND I need to move past this. By not owning a scale I was ignoring the urge to move that number down, but I was still binging and purging. I was almost shrouding or burrying my need to lose within the b/p cycle. Now I have managed to pull myself out of it a bit.......and voila I got healthier, but now I was to lose wieght. A VICIOUS CYCLE. So I want to see if I can maintain my healthy eating without the reassurance of the scale....without the reassurance that I am NOT gaining............cause really gaining when your relationship with food is healthy SHOULD be ok with me. ....fuck this next step is gonna be a brutal one isn't it????? ARGH!

It's Greg's Birthday!

2007-09-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone! I will be super wicked AWOL cause today is Greg's b-day and we will be having a 30 person party. Wish me luck! I will update you all later! You can all appreciate the nerves involved in having this big a party.

Which dress do you guys like better? remember I am 5'3.

All I wanna do is purge baby! Purge purge purge!

2007-09-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

I am disgusting. I am fat and I have bad skin and teeth and I am stupid and gross and dumb and lazy and selfish. I want to be thin and sweet and open and caring and one of those people that others can turn to. I do I want to be collected and impressive. One of those women who ahs it together. One of those women that others want to be like, one of those women who makes her husband.bf.finacee lover WHATEVER, be happy to come home. If I keep this up, this depression, this consuming self hatred, Greg is gonna start wanting out. And you know what? He would be RIPPING pissed to see me write this. I know he loves me, but how long can one person stand to watch their loved one beat themselves up? ARGH! MIA IS SCREAMING RIGHT NOW. SHE IS TRAPPED INSIDE ME. SHE IS AN ANGRY, BLACK HAIRED VERSION OF ME WITH RIPPED CLOTHES AND FLYAWAY HAIR...SHE IS SCREAMING TO BE LET OUT. SHE IS TORTURING ME TO LET HER OUT. SHE IS FLAILING HER ARMS AND BEATING HER CHEST AND CALLING ME NAMES SO THAT I WILL LET HER OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS A CAGED ANIMAL...SHE IS PACING AND HISSING AND GROWLING...SHE IS TOO DANGEROUS TO LET OUT.....BUT SO HARD TO KEEP IN. THE ONLY THING THAT TRANQIILZERS HER IS FOOD THAT I EAT QUICKLEY AND THEN THROW UP. IF I DON'T PURGE SHE MOCKS ME. IF I DON'T EAT I BECOME TO TIRED TO KEEP HER AT BAY............... THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO KEEP HER IN HER CAGE WHERE SHE CAN ONLY INSULT ME, BUT NOT PHYSICALLY HURT ME.

Every Now And Then We Fall Apart...and those of us who are stubborn manage to climb out of the hole.

2007-09-18T05:30:00.001-07:00

OK! So I have managed....somehow....to drag myself out of the pit of self-loathing/dispair. What is it about us EDers that makes us feel so at home in that black hole. For some reason we see it as hospitable...What is up with that? I mean REALLY people. Bleakness is not your friend..... bleakness makes you a boring person.........and we might be a fucked up bunch but I for one am the FURTHEST thing from boring..... In all seriousness though.....thank you for the encourgaement and kind words everyone. It really really helped. I think two things helped turn my mood around. 1) The UPS guy at the door this morning 2) The party 1) At 7;30 my phone rings. I jump out of bed like a mad woman and answer. Greg is shaving and there are like 8 things going through my head....1) OMG my parents (they are in Egypt) 2) OMG my Mexican friend J who doesn't speak any English and is 8 months preganant and living here. 3) OMG I am on call and it is the crisis centre calling. 4) OMG my grammie. Well it turned out to be a UPS guy buzzing us b/c he had a package for Greg. So I stubled downstairs in Greg's housecoat and take this unmarked package from him. All the while I was trying not to giggle TOO much at his short shorts. WHY DO THEY MAKE UPS GUYS WEAR THOSE????? NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN THEM! It is a BAD fashion choice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course then there was this unmarked package waiting for us. and given the relentess contact that we have had from Greg's ex we were a little nervous to open this. It was a very ominous package. No return address. and inside a plain white envelop with nothing more than his name and our address. Poor Greg was like..."I don't like the look of this" SO I knew I wasn't being totally paranoid.... It turned out to be good news. and interview for a really great firm. YEAH!!! But the point of this little story is that I got TOTALLY stressed out this am because of UPS! I think I need to chill a little and enjoy things a wee bit more........like the PARTY!!! This is my number two reason for being all excited... So it turns out like 30!! people are coming to the party for Greg and his buddy! 30 people in our APT! It is going to be HILARIOUS! I am excited. I really wanted to do a make your own cupcake statio, but no one would let me:( BUMMER. I do think I am going to put giant pieces of felt against the wall for people to write on as they get super loaded. That is always fun!!!!!!! Hehehehe I am making a pledge to myself to try to enjoy things more. I have been so off and sooooo stressed out. I need to enjoy life. So tonight I have class, but after this I am going to go home and play my guitar! and snuggle with my fiancee. peace