My negativity. I am a negative person. This is something I need to confront. Why? am I negative???? Where did it come from??? How do I make it go away??? I wasn't always this way? or was I???? Maybe I was always falsley positive...putting on a brave, postive front but really feeling negative inside. Perhaps MIA has robbed me of my time to construct a truely positive self. A real positive self. A happy self. The problem is I don't know HOW to be positive!!! How is one positive??? Lately I find myself wishing I was one of those people with a wicked sense of humour. One of those people who always find the funny side of things. But I am not and I don't. I also find myself wishing I was smart....wishing I was anyone but who I am............scary! Why don't I love myself????? This all has come out today because I reacted badley to a friend who did something stupid.......here is what I wrote to get out my negative emotions I feel angry! Angry at you Angry at you for seeing in me the ugly truth Angry at you because your stupid actions brought out of me my ugliness too The ugliness we share..the unfairness, the meanness the cruelty. I find you cruel and I know it is a cruelty that I have too. My reaction to you was gross, it was mean and raw and messy. My reaction to you had truth and lies....it started with truth and then I got scared and turned to lie. I did this because I was scared of showing my true colours to anyone So I turned to lies to hide myself. Because I hate myself So I lie to myself and to you to all of you There is good in you I am sure but my negative self only picks up on the bad and reflects back at you the bad The baseness in you is something I hate But it facinates me because I see it in myself. I hate it in myself. You are weak. an I am weak too. How do I learn to love, to cherish the weakness in you The weakness I have too.
We were biking....hence the helmet
About Me
It's good to hear from you. I was concerned.
This entry seems so completely honest. I respect that very much.
I don't know how to say it any better than that.
But, asking these questions, getting feedback from people in your life who you trust, and know won't use your honesty and vulnerabilities against you would be a great next step.
With care and support....
There always has to be a first step.
xo
Faith
Faith. Yeah nothing like the first step. although I gotta admit I was a little taken aback by the idea that this is a first step. It feel like the 100000000000th step:) hehehehe.
Sole
We all have flaws and weaknesses, all humans do. I'm proud to know someone so brave that she would confront the things she doesn't like about herself in hopes of change.
Change is a miracle we can access every day.
xoxo
Sarah
You wish you has a good sense of humour, you wish you were smart? I wish you'd open your eyes and see what you're really all about, because I think you're wrong. I find you so funny, with such a great sense of humour, always. I also think you're so so so damn smart, super smart! You're an extremely intelligent woman, and I am proud to have you on my team.
I'm also happy and thankful to have someone as smart and funny as you around.
Love
FF
sending you a big hug,
ej