OK.....first things first I went all day yesterday without purging AND I had a hamburger for supper!!!!!!! Normally a non-purge day looks like the following: B-fast- coffee and granola/yogurt Snack- Maybe some fruit Lunch- Michelina light or salad and some fruit Snack- coffee and some toast Supper- Salad, chicken- or something close to this. BUT YESTERDAY I EXPERIMENTED B-fast- same Snack- didn't have one Lunch- apple, banana, yoguhrt and a tiny piece of cheese ( I KNOW, I KNOW) Snack.....nope Supper- salad, hamburger and a beer!!!!!!! Snack- toast and cheese and another beer! and NO PURGING AND NO EXCERISE YESTERDAY AND I CALCULATE THE CALS AND IT IT TOTALLY NORMAL AND WITHIN A NORMAL RANGE FOR MY BODY/AGE/GENDER ETC!!!!!! Muahahahahaha ok now that bad. Yesterday my godfather had surgery for prostate cancer- so I spent all day in the hospital waiting and reading. Also.........I had a mid-term last night in one of the classes I am taking "for fun" and I HAD NO IDEA. I got there and was like.....ummmmmmmmmm........ THIS HAS NEVER EVER EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!! EVER. I had a 4.0 in grad school.....WTF! Anywats, I am totally stressed about it. I think my prof might let me rewrite, but seriosuly! To be honest I think I did remarkably ok for not studying. We shall see. I am sure it won't matter what I got on some random course as it is not part of my degrees, but I don't want that on my transcript you know? So the withdraw date is Nov. 1st. Depending what I get on this mid-term and depending if she lets me rewrite , I might just withdraw. This was recreational and fun, and it has turned out to be s stressor. I was asked to do some PhD apps for next year which I am working on so I would much rather have a "W" in some random first year course on ym transcript than a bad mark. Thoughts anyone??????? I am going to see Venus today (my T) THANK GOD. The last couple of weeks have been INSANE! Good news is that Greg is kicking ass in his interviews for law positions. More on this when I know more and I am allowed to divulge stuff. Heheheh ......................................................................edit.......................................................................................... I love the highs and lows of mental illness............ Right now I am overwhelmed with stuff I have to do. OVERWHELMED AND NAUSEOUS. My eating is normal today. I am doing good things for my body, but what about my head. My head huts, it is racing with thoughts of all I have to do. I want to cry, to sit down and cry like a little kid. TO get it all out. To get it all out and start again. I WANT TO KNOW WHY??????? WHY DO I HAVE BULIMIA!!! WHY????????????????????????????????????????????? WHY WHEN I EAT NORMALLY DO I STILL FEEL ALONE AND LOST??????????? WHY?????? Now I am crying at my desk. Today is a dark day. A sad day. A hard day. I am not this person. I am not a sad and depressed person. I am more than this eating disorder. I am fighting this mosnter. But today I am sad. and it isn't because my body doesn't look the way I want it too, it is because I feel overwhelmed by life at the moment. My jaw aches from holding bak the sounds of crying and my thraot aches from trying to stop my tears. I want to crawl into a safe place and hide I want to escape this sadness, SO many good things have happened this week and I feel sad and overwhelmed. THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ME! I want to be happy, to be at peace. I don't know how..........because I don't know why I am at war with myself:(
We were biking....hence the helmet
About Me
Big hugs.
Love
FF
I don't think eating normally magically brings about connection and, unfortunately, I don't think the loneliness dissipates that quickly. It's a process, a step in the right direction...but I think that it also requires that you let those tears, choking in your throat, to flow out of you.
As for the course... I would drop it. Not because of what it might say on your transcript, but more because it's causing you stress and you likely have plenty of that. Grad school is a beast as it is, so perhaps replace the course with somethign that would DE-stress....
Do take care,
Love, Z
i'm so sorry it feels like you are war with a part of yourself. really and truly, because I know just how that feels.
I wish I could ease that for you...I hope in some way it helps to know you're not alone having felt that.
love,
ae
it will pass, I promise. I know, I know -- easy for me to say -- but it will. Feelings don't last.
I hope your godfather is doing well.
And please try to remember that all the victories you had recently are not touched at all by a bad day. They stand on their own and are not diminished.
xoxo
Sarah