I am back in hell- FF's post really stuck with me. I am NOT purging everyday but I am purging and my heart is skipping beats again.......I guess I will start again tomorrow. I thought I had this motherfucking thing beat. I have 90 days till my wedding- can I at least put together a month purge free before I get married. This is my goal. I am going to be talking about food A LOT here in the next little while and exercise. So if that is triggering for you then please don't read. Right now I am so hungry and empty and I LOVE that feeling. LOVE IT! WTF??????I need to let go of loving this feeling...........Need to learn not to love it. How can I stop loving it? How can I start loving me?
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I am a recover(ed)(ing) bulimic and have found that this journey is a struggle every day. For the past 5 years I would call a "good" stage (i.e. I'm not purging) any stage that I was restricting. I exercised almost daily and weighed myself to be sure that I was still "good." Recognizing that these "good" stages were actually bad was a HUGE step for me. I still struggle with it every day. I've had to redefine what I want my recovery to look like and dedicate every day to making it work. Back in October I decided that recovery would look like me eating what I want when I want. I read the book "Intuitive Eating" and learned a lot. I was working so hard to keep a few pounds off my body - pounds that my body wanted - maybe even needed - to be healthy. I've started telling myself that all bodies are different and that my body may not fit the "ideal" body, but that it is an amazing body. Do I believe this? Not always. But I swear, just telling myself this had really started to shift my thinking. I've cut out the gym. I've started doing yoga (not the power kind, the real meditative kind) and found myself relaxed and happy more often than ever. Has my purging stopped completely? Nope. I had 2 instances of purging in the past couple of months. But I'm not perfect and my recovery isn't going to be perfect.
I hope that this long story about a stranger can motivate you - and not creep you out!
Peace,
T