It has been WAY too long. This PhD thing gives me zero time for blogging. I have decided, however, that I NEED to make time for this space....so I am back.
Thing are generally going very well. I am in my last semester of course work, I get to start writing my dissertation in the spring. On the ED front, things are going okay. I made a decision to go back to therapy. I am seeing a psychoanalyst and I LOVE IT!! Where has this therapy been all my life. The options are so much greater now that I am living in a big city. My therapist, L, looks like a mystic. Very small, mid-50s, lots of wild gray hair and chunky jewellery. I think we are going to be able to have a good relationship.
She is very into breathing and letting whatever I am feeling float to the surface. Turns out I have all kinds of stuff going on underneath my surface. Stuff about my parents expecting me to be perfect, my need to have everyone like me, and my anxiety issues all come out in the first meeting. I am not sure how this will help with the bulimia as we don't actually talk about the bulimia very much, but if she can get me to breath and relax then maybe this will work. I will keep you posted on my progress.
Hey Everyone- quick update. I got my ECG back and it was fine. I have something called a partial/imcomplete right br@nch bund1e bl0ck which my Dr. says in my case is totally benign and unrelated to my Bulimia. She even said that this often shows up in error on ECGs due to the palcement of the little sticky things- THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So there is good news- all my blood levels are normal expect my ridiculously low iron-which is easy to fix. I am taking supplements and changing up my diet. No word back yet on the ECG-which means one of two things it is fine or it isn't back yet. Either way I am going back to see the Dr. in two weeks. I am VERY proud of myself for doing this scary ass thing. I am happy my K levels are good.
So...I went to the Dr. and she sent me for an EKG (ECG) and some blood work. She didn't seem too worked up about it as she pointed out that if I was having heart problems (serious ones) I would be passing out-which I never have. She told me I was doing everything right and to hang in there. HOWEVER....the EKG/blood work was a totally traumatic, albeit slightly funny, experience. In Toronto when you are perscribed a test you take a form to one of the many many many labs around here and they adminster it on the spot. So I leave the university, get on the bus and go to this lab in this industrialized area of town. I walk in, hand the woman my sheet and she ushers me into her backroom. She draws my blood - no biggies- barking orders at me. I feel the need to point out at this juncture that our first languages were not the same and therefore there was SERIOUS communication issues. More importantly she was SUPER SUPER RUDE. She takes me into the EKG room and makes me take off my bra and shirt. She starts sticking all of those round things...I assume they are transmitters- all over my body and by this point I am having a full on anxiety attack. My heart is pounding and she is screaming at me to relax. Helpful no? I try to tell her that I really need a minute to collect myself and she screams at me NOT TO TALK and to RELAX. Needless to say it didn't go well. My BPM was 115 and it is usually about 65. I hope I don't have to go back...........I can't do that again. It was sooooo fucking scary. I hope they can take that into account when they read it. I hope my Dr. just says- YOU ARE FINE!!!!! Regardless I am VERY proud of myself for going and taking care of this. I had these tests on Thursday and have heard nothing----this is a good sign and I will go back in 2 weeks to see her again. Wish me luck
I am currently at the clinic at my university. I have signed back up for counseling here- my first appt. is on Wednesday AND I am seriously considering going back on the SSRIs. My anxiety is through the roof- My heart is palpitating and racing. I am having crazy dreams and generally freaking out. I am not enjoying life right now and I really NEED a clean bill of health. So I guess I am trying to get my shit together AGAIN! And the only way to do that is to do what terrifies me most- talk to a Dr. about my condition. What if he makes me go for an EKG? I HATE these. I have only ever had one and they scare the CRAP out of me. My heart races and races and I obsess about the results. I convince myself I am dying.... I am still not purging which is awesome. But now my anxiety it out of control. I am crying all the time. I am somehow getting work done- no idea how???? Need support! And some reassurance.
HELLLOOOOO everyone. I am 1.5 days into my how long can I go without purging adventure. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO PURGE RIGHT NOW SO I AM HANGING OUT IN MY FRIEND'S OFFICE INSTEAD- He is also MIA. I know why I want to purge. I am working on a very hard paper and it isn't coming very well which makes me feel worthless which translates into fat. So far I have had: Yesterday: apple, banana, salad (veg), brown rice, steamed veggies, an egg, 1 piece of rye toast, 2 rice cakes, two squares of dark chocolate, natural juice, water and coffee (1 cup). Exercise: 50 mins elliptical moderate effort plus 15mins weight lifting Today: apple, bananas, salad (veg), brown rice, 1 rye toast w/ natural PB (1tbsp) grapes (1 cup) strawberries, water and coffee ( a lot I am writing a paper but I am matching cup of coffee with cup of water). Exercise: None- writing a paper plus I worked out yesterday and purging thru exercise is still purging. For those of you who know a lot about nutrition am I missing anything major. I plan on having some chicken with my veggies tonight.
I am back in hell- FF's post really stuck with me. I am NOT purging everyday but I am purging and my heart is skipping beats again.......I guess I will start again tomorrow. I thought I had this motherfucking thing beat. I have 90 days till my wedding- can I at least put together a month purge free before I get married. This is my goal. I am going to be talking about food A LOT here in the next little while and exercise. So if that is triggering for you then please don't read. Right now I am so hungry and empty and I LOVE that feeling. LOVE IT! WTF??????I need to let go of loving this feeling...........Need to learn not to love it. How can I stop loving it? How can I start loving me?
Hey Everyone I had to blog. I know I have been totally AWOL but this PhD has been so busy and now I am on strike. All the contract faculty, TAs (me), GAs and RAs are on strike. We are picketing and have been since Nov 6th. It has completely taken over my life. We are fighting for poverty-line wages, consideration for tenure track for contract faculty and many many other things that I will get into later.It is a great movement but so time consuming and stressful. I thought I had the MIA beat down but the lack of routine due to the strike has made it flare up a little. Not too bad but still....Blah Ok the reason I am so pissed off is because I was reading Lara's blog at cwazylawa.blogspot.com and she is pro prop 8. This made me really upset. I asked her to take it down, but she won't and she asked me to respect her beliefs and I can't and I need to vent about this so you are all going to have to sit here and listen to what I have to say. This was our original conversation:
race, gender, age, ethnicity, nationality, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, language ability, ideology, social class, occupation, appearance (height, weight, hair color, etc.), mental capacity, and any other distinction that might be considered by some as a liability. I guess it is kinda funny you assume that I am a lesbian because I stand up for same-sex rights. Second, why do you think homosexuality is wrong? And why do you believe that marriage is "the divine institution...between a man and a woman"? I clicked on that link on your blog and read some of the articles. They were appalling. and yes this is hate speech. Hate speech under the guise of free speech. You say you have a right to your beliefs, but you are reifying the concept of beliefs. No one has a RIGHT to their beliefs, you do however have a right to state them. Beliefs happen regardless of "rights". Beliefs are our reactions to our environment, not something that can be controlled by rights-based law. A law could be passed stating "No one has a right to their own beliefs" and beliefs would still occur. What you mean is that you have a right to freely state you opinions on your blog, in the street and to your friends etc. And you do. But at least be honest....your beliefs are homophobic. Homophobia creates a society where homosexuals are treated as sub-human. And while you might have a right to spout homophobic tripe all over the web that doesn't mean I have to put up with it and respect it. RESPECT you? Are you fucking kidding me? The link is called "Protect Children and Freedoms". PROTECT CHILDREN? The implication is that homosexual and transsexual people are going to HURT children. How is this not hateful???? I bet you are against same-sex adoption too aren't you? You say you do not HATE anyone. I get it. Jesus wouldn't want you to hate so you tolerate homosexuality so long as no one teaches it to your kid or dilutes your understanding of marriage. You are a good, responsible little Christian soldier absolving yourself of guilt by tolerating people in same-sex relationships and not "hating them" because they need Jesus' love too right? Especially because they need that love to overcome their homosexual lust. Am I close? I bet I am. What garbage. People in same-sex relationships are to be celebrated not tolerated by individuals, such as yourself, who solidify their identity and power by perpetuating the subjugation of homosexuals. You are actively, whether you want to admit it to yourself of not, maintaining the value laden straight/queer dichotomy. You, by saying that Queer peoples cannot get married, cannot enjoy equal state protection, are implying that Queer peoples are unequal to straight peoples. That it is okay to exclude homosexuals from certain state institutions that we as a society have created because they are not quite worthy, i.e. you are better than them. You can deny it all you want to and say you just don't agree and that it is your opinion. But your opinion is hurting people. It is contributing to a segregated society, a society that celebrates only one kind of sexual love and pathologizes all others. That is shameful. Also you don't want homosexuality taught in school. This perpetuates the pathologization of homosexuality. If children are taught about relationships from a hetero-centric position then those children who are gay/lesbian/trans or gender variant are then made to feel "abnormal". But that is the point right? Make it as hard as possible for homosexual peoples to live a fulfilling life. I assume that since you don't want homosexuality taught in school this means no sex ed about homosexual sex right? This lack of sexual education denies teenagers in same-sex relationships the life-saving information and the tools ,which sex-ed provides, to protect themselves against life threatening STIs like HIV. Or do you think that this should be taught at home? Or maybe in separate classes? Put all the straight teens in one room and all the gay teens in another room. I mean segregation seems to be your thing. I can't believe that someone would think freedom of speech is an excuse to spread propaganda that contributes to the continued oppression of same-sex couples. Aren't you embarrassed? SHAME!I am officially in a long distance relationship......UGH! Also school has started. So so so much going on, the good news is I haven't purged. Bad news is I feel like my right leg ( or my heart I guess) is with Greg, far far away. I have so much to write but I am so tired and a friend is coming over with beer now.....so I am just.....hanging out with all the events of the last few days floating around inside me. I thought my heart would be broken when Greg left, but we have done this twice before so I def. feel more secure in our relationship....less anxious/panicked. I feel, instead, like my heart is in hibernation and needs to be coaxed out and reminded that even though Greg is far away there are friends to make and things to learn and experiences to soak up. It takes a lot of energy though....more to write about all this. But thanks for being there everyone. I know I haven't been posting much but I am reading all your blogs and it is nice to know you are all out there.
So after 11000000 hours on the train we are HOME in my province. We will stay are for 4 days and then head to PEI to visit w/ Greg's fam. I fly outta PEI back to Toronto. Seeing my parents is great, but I am thinner than I was when I left for Toronto in May and I can tell that pleases them....ugh. Ate supper though with no issues. GO ME! While I am home I plan on shopping, sleeping, reading and sleeping. I am dealing with some stress right now so please help me relax Stressful things: My half bro is not doing so well right now. He has mental health issues and is in the hospital. I tried to talk to my dad about it but he really doesn't want my help. I think he wants me to be a distraction not someone who he lays his burden on, but I have lots of experience working with individuals with mental health issues. I don't need to be protected from it I see it all the time. UGH. Don't know what to do here but listen to Dad when he talks. My new roommate has emailed 3 times and called like 4 times. The last time she sent me this VERY bitchy email about how dirty I left the apt and how disappointed she was. Here is the thing...I felt it was clean. I def. put a lot of effort into cleaning it. Her comments made me feel like I had somehow done something incredibly wrong like forgetting to clean or not knowing what clean really is. Then she emailed me back to say the buzzer was not set up for her number, which is something I told her TWO days ago would not be set up until Sept. 1st when her lease actually starts. I left her number with the landlord (who SUCKS) and asked him to put it in, turns out it was the wrong number I left him. Now I have to get a hold of him to let him know and I feel like a bad roommate/landlord. I feel worthless and angry and like it is my fault. But she is being totally unreasonable. She has been there for 1 day how can she expect everything to be good to go already? FUCK. I hope this isn't how it is going to be. I totally cried in front of Greg and my parents. I SUCK!!!!!! Why do I feel so bad about someone else's reactions? Why does it make me feel so awful? Why do I always envision the absolute worst thing happening, like me coming home and finding all my stuff wrecked or me getting evicted because of her, or me losing her as a roommate and having to find a new one. WHY WHY WHY do I have this anxiety. I HATE IT! HATE IT! Why can't I be normal and just respond with a regular amount of concern instead of automatically assuming the worst will happen, FUCK having major anxiety issues. FUCK~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my eating has been shockingly good, but my life has been very stressful. We had friends here this w/e, one of whom stayed at our house and I gotta say was probably the easiest house guest I have ever had. ANYWAYS....a few stressful things have happened. One Thursday I was helping out a client and I cut my finger on his razor. I cut deep enough to bleed but definately shaved some skin off. I work in mental health housing so there are higher risk people in terms of auto-immune diseases. I washed my finger and asked the house owner if anyone had H1V or H3P C. She said no, but I was still worried so I called my aunt who is a nurse and cried. I then waent and saw the nurse at work who told me not to worry about it cause it wasn't blood on blood. I saw the DR. too who said the same thing. He said my risk was 0.5% but I was totally freaked out and now I am experiencing some serious germ anxiety. For example, my sunglasses fell in the toilet at work and I flushed then felt stupid leaving them there so I fished em out, disinfected them and STILL had to throw them away. I was CONVINCED I had Hep C. God.....I feel this is all tied to when I had ecoli as a kid and once I got out of the hospital I refused to eat anything that was prepared a certain way. I was CONVINCED I would get sick through contamination. A lot of root issues are surfacing for me. UGH Anyways that was no fun and to top it off a friend of mine is in a super manipulative SUPER absuive relationship with this guy J, who is an aquitance and who lives here in Toronto. Their relationship is SUPER volitile. For example he dumped her and she was wrecked, he called her and they kept sleeping together, they would get back together, he would dump her on and on and on. So H planned on visiting and my friend B and I planned on taking her to this bar where we ALWAYS get hit on and get free drinks. What better wat to feel good about yourself post dumping.... I mentioned this plan to B in from of J and apparently he was like "What the Fuck is Soledad doing"? I was like douche bag!!! you aren't together. Anyways he called H and said" Sole is trying to get you all slutted out, what the hell?" Fucking hypcritical since he went to a strip club like 3 days before, which is exactly what I said to H. Problemo- she didn't know about the strip club and got super mad at him and refused to hang out with him. In relatiation he took a woman she HATES who tried to sleep with J while he was dating H out to dinner. DRAMA I was in a relationship almost identical to this so hearing this BS is very upsetting. UGH
It is drawing closer and closer to the time when Greg and I will have to be apart and I am starting to freak out. He doesn't want to talk about it cause it is sad and that bothers him, which I get but I WANT THIS TO BE OVER SO BAD. I HATE HATE HATE long-distance, I hate not sleeping with Greg. I hate not being able to be close to him. I am not worried we are going to suffer from the LD, I just FLAT OUT do not want to do it. I am going to have to go from living with Greg and our friend J to living with a stranger, starting school with strange people and having to make new friends. I am REALLY worried my bulimia is going to get really really bad. Thia anxiety of course does very little to HELP my eating patterns. Things have been going so well...............AH! I am not going to make any friends and I am going to be horrifically lonely. Oh how I am dreading that feeling. Too many changes too fast.
Hey all. It is day four and so far so good. I have switched to an organic diet to try and make the transition a little smoother. No ununatural sugars, not meat not too much dairy. NOTHING proccessed. It has kinda sucked in terms of what I LIKE but good in terms of my bulimia. WARNING I AM DISCUSSING SPECIFIC FOODS. For Breakfast I had yogurt and high fiber cereal and coffee. Snack was a banana Lunch was Miso Soup w/ Tofu and a salad (no dressing sigh- but lime juice) For a snack I had gluten, dairy and sugar free bread and for supper I plan on having a stir fry using zuchini, brown rice, brocolli, tomato and a FEW hot peppers. For taste I will add olive oil and paprika. I have been drinking water and peppermint tea ALL Day. Peppermint tea has been just great for my stomach. For snacks I am thinking a few ricecakes and honey w/ maybe some peanut butter. Any suggestions of thoughts?
Hey all! Day 3 and still no purge. Binged today though. Had a whoopie pie, some chips and dip (not many) and juice. Felt so sick and full. Still feel sick and full but it is passing slowly. Wanted to purge. Seriously thought about it decided not to at least for now...saw some pics of bulimic deaths online, figured purging would only put me closer to that, managed to avoid it. Feel so fucking sick and stuffed. WANT TO VOMIT! Will NOT Vomit. So so so much nausea. This morning I had so much stomach pain and had to keep running to the bathroom. Still no purging though! Day three. GO ME!!!!
Yesterday was a success! No purging and I actually ate stuff other than salad. GO ME! Went to Seph0ra yesterday and bought myself some new makeup. It was $$ but hey! I didn't purge I deserve it. I didn't wear any make up yesterday which for me is a big accomplishment. I ALWAYS wear foundation no matter what. It is a barrier I put up b/w me and the world. I HATE my skin (although I know it is NOT bad at all and would be a lot better if I was not bulimic) and foundation is such a protective layer for me. BUT yesterday I went out for brunch and I went shopping and I didn't purge and I STILL wore no make up!!! All day yesterday Greg and I lounged around the apt. reading, watching season 9 of D@llas (yes it came out) and talking. It was lovely. We went for brunch at 3:00PM!!!!! Hahahaha....our roommate is out of town and it is a long weekend. Today we are going to do much the same. But we are meeting some friends for beers at 8:00pm and then I have been invited out with some other friends to go barring. I don't know if I going or not......I have been struggling with not making new friends and these women are not people I know REALLY well so I think I should go and I have already turned then down once, but then on the other hand.....it is my weekend of relaxation. GAH! I find these situations to be VERY stressfull. What do I do? HELP!!!!!!!!!! I have also decided to start a lighter running program. I was trying to do a really intense one and my body was so tired cause I am biking to to work right now that I am not enjoying running or not going. I have started a light program that is EASY for me to commit to. Or as my MA thesis adviser always said DO the DOABLE. Can't believe I start school in like 1 month! 1 month from today! AH!
So I need to make sure I am as healthy as possible for school. Right now I am purging about 1X a day or 1X every other day. I am planning on NOT purging until I start school. I know I will prolly slip up but I feel I am becoming complacent in my recovery and I need to do something to boost my efforts. I also know that if I don't try a little harder then purging will def. become part of my PhD hence the challenge I am initiating. I signed up for my courses on Thursday night. It was a little stressful cause York has 50,000 students and while not all are taking the courses I want I was still stressed. I felt inadequate with the computer system and anxious about navigating a new registration and course selection process. It was as if I felt that making a mistake and not getting the courses I want indicated that I was less intelligent and less worthy than all the other students. Major Major Major anixety about not being as good as everyone else. GAH! On another note does anyone else get more b/py when they drink alcohol? I am thinking maybe I should give it up for a bit.
Today is my b-day! I am 25!!! 25!!!!!!!!! holy shit. Good news is no purging on my b-day.....at least not yet and I have had a cupcake. Bad news is I have been bulimic for like 100 years. one day at a time I guess. The reason I need a roomie is not cause something happened with Greg, but because Greg (and our current roommate) has to go back to school in the fall for 8 months and we want to keep our sweet 2 bedroom apt, but it is too expensive for just me. Work is going well. I still really like it, things with Greg have improved. I was on a roller coaster from May-July really. Movie, finding work, getting rejected from PhD, getting accepted to PhD, finding a roommate and dealing with the fact that Greg and I are going to be doing long distance and this ALL happened in like 6 weeks. STRESS!!!! It totally took a toll on our relationship. I feel really guilty for having put him through that though and I am totally not past that guilt yet. I feel like a damaged us, but he said he is not mad at me nor is he going anywhere so I guess I should just chill out. It is my anxiety that bothers him the most......fuck! I am so anxious. any suggestions?????
I am about to go meet with the grad director I am actually AT Y0rk right now!!!!!!! Shockingly no purging. So nervous will write more later. I hope I dont say anything stupid!!! Should I buy a york travel mug or will that make me look like an overexcited first year? Thoughts
I am in the process of looking for a roommate for the school year and I am worried I am never going to get one. I advertised on Cr@igs L1st and some other places and I have showed it a few times. I had an offer from a couple (but we decided that one woman was better), and a women I know but she has a lot of mental health issues so.......I have showed it to two really nice women, but no one wants to live with me I don't think......I suck ass. BOOOOOOOO! I am a little stressed about all this cause I need to find one before the end of August. Ah Also Greg's parent have been here since Friday and are leaving shortly. Greg's step mom loves Toronto, his dad clearly hates it......a little stressful.....but I took L (greg's stepmom) to a show and Greg and his dad went to ball game. Yesterday we did the CN tower, shopping etc and out for dinner,.....lots of good visit stuff but I am tired, tired, tired........today I made b-fast for everyone and we went out to York, but also I was on call with the rape cr1s1s centre, I got a call....so it was a lot of work......and back at it on Monday. I LOVE my job though. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! i am working with adults with mental health issues......61% schizophrenics. Instense work. Great co-workers. Great great work. I love it. I will be so sad to leave. My eating is middle of the road. about 2 times a day purging.......not my best, not my work....minimal binging...2wice a week binging. I am getting better. I would like it to be faster. Greg and I are not getting alone super super well....more on this later
Me: (it got posted as my old blog name Esperanza)
Wait a sec. You are FOR Prop 8? As in you do not support same sex marriage? What if you son is gay or transsexual? Will you disown him? Tell him "sorry you can't marry the person you love because there is this pesky definition of marriage that excludes you. Oh and Mommy voted in favor of your exclusion." What about your gay and/or lesbian friends? I know this will never happen but I would really like to see you remove the hate speech from your blog.
1:11 PM
Esperanza, I in no way have displayed a message of hate. If you think a link to some answers about my beliefs is a message of hate, then you are sorely mistaken. Read up on them if you are confused. I have never hated homosexuals. Rather I do not believe in the practice of homosexuality or the teaching of homosexuality in schools. I am a firm believer in the divine institution of marriage between a man and a woman. I have the right to my beliefs as well as the right to vote, as do you. I would never disown my son. NEVER. And I am confused as how you would come to that conclusion. I have never attacked a homosexual, and I never will. I have my beliefs, you have yours. And that does not mean I disrespect you, and in NO WAY does it mean I hate you. Please respect my beliefs and my right to stand up for them- especially on my own blog. I will respect yours. Now if you have something to say about those cute coats linked above, I would love to hear it. :) Have a good weekend