Soledad's Fight for Recovery

Funny isn't it that the term we use for getting along with others is "Fitting" In. Last night I had one of those experiences that makes me realize that while I have come a LONG way I am not quite there yet. Not quite. Last night Greg and his buddies had a poker night at our apt. Most of Greg's buddies have wives, girlfriends, fiancees etc and we all know each other. So last night all the women decided to get together and have a girl's night. Which means gossip and TONS of food. I was nervous......very nervous. Most of my friends are not here now so I saw this as a way to make new friends, but of course all of my insecurities come out in full force. What if the hated me? What if they don't want to ever see me again? What if they talk about me when I leave?. These women really are extremely nice and intelligent so I KNOW it was ridiculous. But all night I had this raw fear bubbling inside me. A raw fear that made me question everything I said and everything I thought and every time I laughed. I felt my stories were too long, my laugh was too loud, my nature to bawdy. I felt uncomfortable and anxious. Suprisingly I managaed ok with the food. I ate a lot but I managed not to purge, although I definatly binged. Not bad considering. But now I am stuck with these feelings, these anxieties. Greg's b-day is this weekend coming and so is the b-day of one of his friends J. So J's finacee L and I are throwing them a party at our apt. We are inviting all those involved in yesterdays poker/girl's night. L is not in law school, we get along we but we are not particularily close. TO me this whole things feels like a test....will people come. Will I become the one no one wants to hang out with........ I feel that I am too BIG. My personality (like my body) is just to abrasive, not nice or feminine enough........ARGH! I am going for a run.

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Here is a picture from the Greg's b-day/ happy engagement party my family threw us this week. The champaigne is 24yrs old. My godfathers bought 2 and my folks bought 2 the day I was born. We popped 2 when I turned 21 and one for our engagement and we are saving one for the wedding:)