So things have been going really well here bulimia wise. I have not been purging or binging, but I defiantly think I need to eat more fruit. I almost never eat fruit. Bad bad bad. So I am going to try to incorporate more into my diet. Greg and I had quite the discussion about physical expressions of anger on Saturday night. You see the thing is that every now and then ( like once a month) I have the urge to throw and smash and scream and cry and flail my arms about and swear and generally freak out. AND I THINK THIS IS OK. I would never hit anyone or hurt anyone so I really think it is OK to feel this way and sometimes to act upon it. Before I started dealing with my ED this pain, anger and destruction would be turned inward. I would binge and purge and over exercise and hurt myself as much as possible. I wanted to get the anger OUT. So I PURGED. Also I wanted to express my anger but I didn't know HOW to do it healthily. So I purged and hurt myself. I honestly feel that turning this rage externally is healthy every once and awhile. I mean throwing stuff and screaming in a safe place. i.e. your own home ( since we do not have children). I can't speak for the rest of you but sometimes I am so worked up, burnt out, mad, angry, sad frustrated etc that is bubbles up in my and at that moment self talk etc is just not gonna do it. I need to EXPRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, it is not a thought process always...sometimes it just happens. Yes it is a form of purging, but it s hell of a lot healthier than throwing up. Example; last year my dad and I had a huge falling out. HUGE and I went home and pushed over our stand up radiator and sobbed on the bed. I WAS FURIOUS and hurt. IT scared the CRAP outta Greg and he got really mad that I would "destroy" our home. notes the radiator was fine. I was upset he didn't understand. He was upset I didn't understand. We left it at that. So I curbed the urge to freak out physically and it wasn't until Lulu posted about the window screen that I thought to myself NO! I need Greg to accept this part of me. The part that sometimes needs to FREAK OUT physically. I might throw a book, punch something or slam a door. This is OK! It isn't another person I am hurting and we do not have children to scare. I am not even saying it will be something I do forever, but this is a healing process and I don't feel that curbing my expression at this point is realistic. I am trying to negotiate how to process and express. How can I do that if I am ashamed or afraid of my reactions? That they might upset Greg! Of course, being Greg, the minute I said I needed something he said OK. But he doesn't understand and he doesn't know what to do when I freak out. I would like to point out that in all our time together he has seen it once and heard it once. How do I help him understand without making him feel bad??????GAH! What do you all think??????
We were biking....hence the helmet
I'm all for letting stuff out.
However, because I realize it scares folks sometimes, I try to "plan" it. Even if I'm home alone, I'll tell the cat that mommy needs to go scream in the basement but she is okay. (hee hee)
If M is going to notice (like I'm gonna destroy our radiator, ha), then I try to tell him in advance "hey, I really need to rage at things. I'm not mad at you and I'm not going to hurt myself. It would feel really good for me to destroy some things and here's what I have planned."
Maybe that sounds pretty contrived, but it seems to work out okay for us. I think it's AWESOME you're not turning it inward!
love,
ae
have a beautiful day, lovely woman.
lulu
I've been peeking here a little bit lately, and thought I might be able to lend "the other perspective". First of all I want to say that I wish I could express myself as you describe, or I wish I could just verbally express myself more completely more often. But I don't. I'm generally quiet or laughing, and I'm scared of anger.
That said, my husband has had to work hard on expressing his anger since being in a relationship with me. When we weren't married I tried to look past the fact that he would throw things and break things ; I wanted to believe that it wouldn't affect our marriage. But holy shit did it ever! His anger and my inability to speak up about how it affected me almost tore us apart.
I like ae's suggestions, because so often I felt like all of Mr. Hole's anger was because of me -- that I had done something to cause him to blow up. I also became very hesitant about anything and everything I did around him, and am still trying to work past that obstacle that sits in my way.
This is becoming too wordy without saying anything, but Mr. Hole has been working on not being so physical AROUND ME -- he takes it to the backyard and throws stuff at our shed -- and since the expression is consistent I understand that he's angry, but not necessarily at me.
Long story short: I would probably stand in M's shoes and wonder why you would "Destroy the house" (the sofa, the light, the dishes) because that expression of anger both scares and angers me if it seems unwarranted. Who knows, maybe if you tell M what your plans are he will want to join in on some of the destruction and he will realize that it can feel good to externally express himself.
Again, I wish I could do what you do...it seems empowering and reminds me of a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes :).
Sorry so long.
peace,
gs
AE: Good suggestion. I will definatly try to "plan it". I love you egg idea.
Lulu: Good to know I am not alone in this and I am really glad to hear that most partners react the same way. It makes me feel "normal". Thanks for your support.
GS: Your post was definatly the hardest for me to read. I was immediatly defensive when you compared my "annual expression" of anger with your partner's seemingly "destructive" behaviors. But I read what you wrote again and I was able to take from you a better understanding of how Greg might be feeling. It helped me better value that place he was coming from. So thank you for your input and I hope you come back and comment here again!
All in all ladies I really really appreciate the support and input. Managing behavior and still being true to ones self is a hard fought battle.
xo
Sole
hi... i've been cruising the cul-de-sac lately... i found you through Zubeldia's blog.
What about buying some things that are specifically FOR you to rage at/pummel? It sounds kind of trite, but what about some bataka bats (they're these amazing foam bats that some therapists use to help their clients express rage... my dad's a therapist and we had them around to use when we were little and angry!), a punching bag, a set of cheap dishes specifically to throw and smash??
That way, M might be better able to see that this is rage, that it is visceral but contained. You wouldn't have to be, as he sees it, "destroying your home", but you could be safely destructive. What about getting yourself these things and saying that THEY are how you will direct that physical expression of rage. It might help him to separate that from HIM and/or your home.
Keep doing this - rage is a GOOD thing!
xox
Fia
Fia