Soledad's Fight for Recovery

HA! Well after a couple of shitty weeks I have managed (with some help from Venus myT), to pull myself out of this funk. We talked about the big "D'....depression! Gulp. and how I have symptoms of depression. She didn't come out and say I was depressed, but that is where she was headed. My first response was this sinking feeling. "OMG! Depression! I thought that would go away once the eating got better". Then I was angry " HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN THAT BOX". You see Venus sees depression as neuro-chemical thing that we are essentially born with. I don't accept that. I DO think depression is neuro-chemical, but I think it a response (that we may or may not be genetically predisposed to) that comes out under conditions of extreme stress. I refuse to see this as chronic. I asked her flat out if she thought I had a major mood disorder and she said no. I see that as GREAT! I am beating bulimia.....I can beat depression too. AllI need is a plan. I mean hell, I have done most of the work already. It is just gonna take an extra push. I can do that! It'll be hard, but it can't be has hard as kicking bulimia. I am refusing to accept the label of depressed! Depression like bulimia can SUCK MY ASS!!!!!!!! Of course it took me a while to get here. I was TERRIFIED to tell Greg least he then label me, in his head, as depressed. Nor did I want to admit to myself that I suffered from depression. It almost felt WORSE that admitting I suffer from bulimia. Is that wierd? Like bulimia we REALLY suffer, depression was always a bi-product of my ED. And now my T thinks it might be the CAUSE of my E.D. I'm bulimic becaue I am mildly to moderatly depressed?? That just seems self indulgent. Last night I was sooooo sad/mad that I found myself wishing something catastrophic had happened to me to cause my ED ( Sorry to those of you who have had this happen). But no. I am just me. Boring, substandard self indulgent me! (opps there is the depression talking....fuck off depression I said....NOOOOO!!!!!!!!). So anyways now I am fighting with both fists in front of my face the right hook for Bulimia the left jab for depression. I think I am going to rename my MIA "Deprimia" It's an ugly name for an ugly thing!