Hey Everyone! It is Sunday and so far my Sunday is going ok. I am feeling a little restless so I am cleaning and making plans for my week in an effort to avoid the B/P. So far so good. Today I signed up for Pilates classes, 2 in fact. They are called Abs, Hips and Thighs and Boot Camp. It is 200$ which is a little steep, BUT I think I should treat myself cause really it is self care and I should not feel guilty about spending money on keeping myself healthy! So lately I have been talking time to breathe and "just be" to quote from Leah. Whenever I feel the pull of the binge I sit and breathe and talk myself through it. I find if I can identify WHY I want to binge it keeps me from actually acting on it (some of the time). I know this sounds sooooo basic but it has taken me a long time to get to this point. Before this "breeeaaaathing and beeeeing" I was just plowing through the urge to binge/purge without examining why. I was just setting my teeth and trying to push it away. Clearly, I wasn't ready to examine my urges so I tried my best to ignore them. Sometimes this worked, other times....well not so much. But now I feel comfortable confronting those urges and seeing what is behind them. For example, yesterday I went to the Opera with my father. My father and I have a VERY VERY conflictual relationship. It is very love/hate and when I was younger we fought terribly. It was defiantly an emotionally abusive relationship- we are not mending it (kinda). More on this some other time. Anyways I got dressed and felt SOOOOOO fat. The day before I had been at a party and had eaten more than I normally would have but managed, with the exception of one incident, to curb the urge to purge. Anyways, I was feeling bloated as a result and on top of that I was feeling anxious about seeing my Dad. Now normally this would lead to a b/p extravaganza, but yesterday I just put on comfy jeans, I breathed and I acknowledged that my conflictual relationship with my dad was definitely compounding my "feeling fat". The we went to the Opera and had a great time. By the end of the day I felt "thin", meaning I felt good about myself cause I had had a positive experience with my father. It sounds so obvious when I write it out here, but I guess it takes a while to be able to get to the point of articulation.
We were biking....hence the helmet
I admire being able to sit through the pull to binge, wow. And I agree--when I can name the WHY it is easier to resist. I can go toward the feelings some more instead. But that is DAMN hard. I have worked a really long time and also can't often figure out the WHY. That's what I try to do in therapy...it's tough.
so kudos to you! and great to hear from ya.
love,
ae